So I was coming back after a coffee break and I said to myself, "Bertrand, why is your office door open?" I put my hand on my holster and entered cautiously. A quick scan of my desk revealed that nothing was missing or moved. The drawers were all locked and my potted plant was still thriving. Then I saw it. I gasped in shock, because there sitting in my comfy leather chair was a small orange baby carrot.
"Oh dear" I moaned, and clasped my head in my hands. "What will I do? My worst fears were just realized. Someone has snuck into my office and turned me into a baby carrot. What do I do? What do I tell my wife? What do I tell my clients? They wont want to hire a private detective who was turned into a baby carrot. I must get to the bottom of this. I have a new case. I now must find out who did this dastardly deed and make him pay, or at least get the culprit to turn me back.
So as all good detectives know, I had to have suspects, and motives for the suspects, until I could pinpoint who it was. First I had to identify who had access to my office. Theres Calvin the custodian. He could have done it. He might've been really jealous of all my succesful cases I solved, and all my publicity. I can imagine him now, sneaking into my office, and venting all his frustrations at me by turning me into a ...... I cant even say what. So I wrote down Calvin in my suspect book. Who else? Oh Gabriella , my faithful secretary. She could have done it. She can come and go as she pleases, and she could be really mad at me for telling her off for talking so much. Why I dont think a minute goes by without me saying "Gab, could you please stop talking for a minute so I can remember my name." Yes, I see it now, she is tired of my verbal attacks, and resorted to an attack of her own for revenge. And Willy, my obnoxious brother-in-law, he could have done it for no other reason then the fact that he's obnoxious, and thats what obnoxious people do for fun, turn people into miniature vegetables. Straight into the suspect book for Willy. Gab would have let him in simply because he lets her talk.
Now I had my suspects, and its just a matter of time until I narrow it down to the one person responsible. I gingerly removed the carrot from my chair, to sit down and ponder this complex mystery. After a couple of minutes a thought hit me. "Hmm" I said "I can remember my own name, thats strange, why is my office so quiet? Oh right, I don't hear Gab babbling in the background. Thats strange. Certainly a first. I hope she didn't have a heart attack or something, and lying helpless on the floor, because I am not going to stop my case pondering for anything. Oh thats right, I gave her the week off. She is spending the week on a carribean beach vacation. I hope the seagulls have earplugs. I cant understand why she even needs a vacation, its not like she's gonna be resting her mouth any. Well at least I'm being vacationed from her. Thats a relief. Also its great for my case, because now I can cross her off my list. Theres no way she would be here if she's on the beach. And if she's not here then she couldnt have let Willy into the building, he must have found a different victim to turn into an amusing vegetable. So I crossed off Willy. I looked down at my list. Hmm, that leaves only one suspect, Calvin. "Calvin!" I called, "please come into my office for a minute." Calvin shuffled into my office clutching a feather duster. "Yes?" he asked. I got straight to the point. "Calvin, did you turn me into a carrot?" He looked me straight in the eye anbd said "no sir". "Do you know anything about anybody turning me into a carrot?" Again the answer was negative. "Ok, you can go now" I quickly added next to his name in the suspect book 'after heavy interrogation suspect denies everything, I think he's completely innocent'.
I put my hands in my arms and started bawling. I'll never be able to turn myself back into a private detective If I never found out who did it. When I finished my little crying session (all good detectives know that theres nothing like a good cry in middle of a hard case) I resigned myself to my fate and started cleaning up my cluttered drawers. Just then the phone rang. I picked it up, it was my wife. "Did you eat the lunch I left you?" she asked. "I left you a baby carrot on your chair for lunch. I hope you ate it because supper is a little burnt, and you know how the smother in ketchup thing doesnt work so well for ashes." "You left that carrot on my chair?!" I asked completely taken aback. "I though...... oh never mind. But why did you put it on my chair?" "I wanted to put in a place you wouldnt miss it" responded my ever so smart wife, ever so sweetly. I hung up the phone triumphantly, yet another case solved by the great Bertrand Wipple III ! I wasnt turned into a carrot after all. This was a case that was a worthy opponent. I can't wait to have kids who have kids, so I can tell them about the time I was turned into a carrot, and how I brilliantly busted the case wide open. This must be how the great Sherlock felt after solving another one of hiis elementaries, this must be how Einstien felt after equaling E and mc squared. I felt on top of the world. I got my closed sign, and hung it on my door. I was finished for today. My great brain was so hot it was close to short circuiting. I locked my office door (I double checked) and floated off down the street in a cloud of euphoria.