Experiment

As usual Im going to attempt something having absolutely no clue what I'm doing

posted Sunday, 21 January 2007

Im going to try putting on pictures from camera. For this experiment I'm going to select some random photos from my camera. This may or may not work.

Yayyyy!! It worked!!!! Heres some more.

Im extremely proud of myself. Unfortunately I still havent figured out how to use all the buttons and settings on my camera, so I have no clue how to take a picture. (Well I know how to take a picture, but not with the setting that the manuals think I should. They definitely make up things in my cameras settings mode)

Stuff

Just stuff. No time for more then that


posted Friday, 19 January 2007


This shabbos I'm going to be staying in yerushalayim. My rosh yeshiva from america is in town, and we're having a shabbos meal get together for all the guys.And I didnt think it appropriate to go away for shabbos. Its relaxing to not have to run around the country on a friday afternoon. (although for some odd reason that still baffles the leading psychologists and plumbers I seem to do it anyway) This past week was pretty regular. (Im sorry for not updating in a while but crazy things always happen, so as usual I cant update as often as I like. What? Have you ever tried to update a blog while your stolen elephant is being chased by the Indian mounted police? Or while accidentally getting stuck hanging by a shoelace on the underside of a wooden bridge? I didnt think so. Its just not as easy as some people think, thats all. I do try) Just the usual stuff,I started a couple of mini riots, (and since my little brother -who seems to be on a fun cross country trip for the last couple of days without me- insisted I mention this) a knife wielding arab was smashed to pieces right in front of yeshiva(there, you happy now? I didnt even do more then throw orange peels at his head while the rest of the guys were disarming him. My hands were full. And nobody is worth losing food over. I'm not dropping my orange on the floor. I dont care who's trying to stab me) my apartment didnt burn to the ground yet, mosquitoes have taken control of another couple of feet in the ongoing battle in the kitchen-heavy casualties on both sides, and I figured out how to talk to a real live person at my cellphone company. Thats most of the news.(at least that I can remember, my brain took a vacation to somewhere warmer and sunnier. It just sent a postcard with a polar bear on it, but I know its tricks- if its a polar bear then its hiding out in a tropical island somewhere. It cant fool me, brains think they're smart but I got mine's number.) Ok its almost shabbos and I didnt even remotely consider getting ready (ok I considered it for a split second, but instantly dismissed it along with the thought I had "hey do you think I should buy an iron?") so I gotta run and enjoy running late again. (I dont know why I do, probably for the same reason I dont like wearing a watch)

Ashamed

some arab dude, right?

posted Wednesday, 17 January 2007


"you should be ashamed of yourself, you havent updated since sunday" thats what someone has just informed me. I guess I should, but I should do a lot of things.Maybe Il be ashamed later.In truth I have a couple of valid excuses for not updating,and a couple of valid excuses for not sharing those excuses right this second.Later...

sorry only a summmary. (its always a summary anyway, I just never bothered mentioning. dont be upset cuz the only diff.is that now u kno about it)what do u expect? if i would write in full they'd each be full length novels.andwho reads full length no......

posted Sunday, 14 January 2007

This shabbos was unbelievable. We landed in sderot a few hours before shabbos (as opposed to the usual 5 minutes before shkia landing)and all was quiet and peaceful. The birds were chirping, the breeze was blowing, and the occasional gunshots from the neareby gaza strip made it a picture perfect moment. We went to the place we were staying at (one of the hesder yeshivot in sderot) and were shmoozing with the guys there for about 10 minutes, when I decided that exploring sderot would be a good idea. We had walked about half way out of the parking lot when we heard the sound of a loudspeaker being activated. (you know:crackle frizzle crackle) Then we hear a very loud computerized female voice saying "tzeva edom tzeva edom" on repeat. The problem was that it was done in the tone of voice you would expect someone to say "its raining outside, its raining outside" so my initial reaction was that this was some sort of broken ram kol (one of those advertising loudspeakers, that most people throw shoes at). But then we saw the guys we were just chatting with taking cover so we turned and ran into the yeshivas bomb shelter. You've only got about 15-20 seconds from when the siren goes till the rocket hits, and we were just entering when we heard the loud boom of the rocket going off. It was awesome. We ran out to look, but the smoke was in the distance which meant that it was a pretty far miss. Then we heard the deeper lower booms of the army shelling the rocket launching place. We didnt end up walking around.

Shabbos afternoon we walked all around sderot. We saw some houses that were destroyed by kassems.One right around the corner from where we were sleeping. Its amazing how much damage a relatively small rocket can do. (its only about 5 feet long, but its loaded with explosives and shrapnel that can shoot real far from where it lands) Then we walked to gaza. Right up to the border. It took a while but it was worth it. We almost got killed! Not by terrorists,but by a herd of stampeding cattle. It would've been real funny if I would've made it all the way to gaza but been killed by a thousand pound cow. I wasnt able to get any kassems, not even a piece of one. There were some little kids who we met in the empty fields between sderot and gaza, who hang out there, when a siren sounds they hit the dirt and if they survive they run real fast and bring the kassem home. So we wouldve had to beat them and the army if we wanted to get it before they did.(I think the kids would've been the harder part) I did get a piece of the house around the corner from us that was destroyed. Its now hanging on the wall in my kitchen as a constant reminder. (I'm not sure for what yet, but as long as I remember everyhing should be ok)

This Time

Its get there or bust. (oooh, I take that back. That was just wrong.)

posted Wednesday, 10 January 2007

This shabbos I'm planning on going to sderot. Since I dont think I know anyone there, I called this really cool organization that hooks people up with places to stay for shabbos. The conversation went like this:

Me: "Hi, I'd like to go to sderot for shabbos."

Him: "Sderot? Are you sure? I usually don't ask people about their plans, but do you realize that there are bombs and rockets falling there? Sometime two or three a day, its a sakana. Are you sure thats where you want to go?"

Me: "Yup."

Him: "Oh, is that why you're going?"

Me:" Pretty much."

Him:"Oh ok then, how many guys do you want to go with?" And then he proceeds to ask a bunch of questions like about my hebrew fluency and kashrus standards etc. Just to ensure that I would have an enjoyable shabbos.

One of my goals is to bring back a kassem. (no I'm not gonna sell it on ebay. I can never figure out how to post a picture on any of the stuff I tried selling in the past, and nobody bids if you dont put a picture. I dont think my descriptions help that much either. But whatever the reason, ebay doesnt seem to work for me. Actually, I wouldnt want to sell it anyway.Thats not something you want to part with so fast. Besides I read in the paper that the cops clean up the rockets immediately after they fall, so I'm gonna have to beat the cops to the punch, and try to smuggle it on the bus going home, not very easy. Maybe I'll put a shirt and a cap on the rocket and sit him next to me on the bus. And name him Quentin. And carry a loud conversation with him a whole way back so no one gets suspicious. We can discuss anything. As long as I know enough on the topic to play both voices I'd be ok . Since I only have questions on the whole killer whale thing, no answers thats going to be one of the topics that we avoid. At all costs. No matter how tempting I'm going to have to contain my curiosity until after we are safe in my apartment. We just can't risk all when I ask a simple question about killer whales and "quentin" is completely stumped. They're all gonna realize he's a rocket in seconds. I think I'm gonna bring along my false beard and put it on "quentin". And then I bet even a real rocket scientist wont recognize him. ) I just think it would make a great paperweight/ conversation starter. Hopefully it all works out, and I manage to safely capture a rocket.(safely means without getting hurt, arrested, or stuck in a tree for 24 hours) Stay tuned.

Something New, Fresh and Unexpected

No, its not a bakery item, or a new exhibit at the zoo,(a panda that lays eggs, and lives under water with its adopted frog parents) its....

posted Sunday, 7 January 2007


I finally cut my hair. (I just realized how much I forgot english when I first spelled it here, then hear, and finally remembered) It wasnt because of the death threats I was receiving from random strangers, cuz I would definitely appreciate a couple of attempts on my life. It would make things even more entertaining. (although not more then four a week, cuz then it would get tedious) It was cuz I finally had time. I wasn't bouncing around Israel this friday, trying to catch a bus like right before shkia. This was probably a one time thing. (having time. not the cutting hair, or appreciating death threats- those I imagine'l happen more often.) It was getting long, and a friend of mine made it his business to braid it whenever he had a chance. (if I wasnt within arms reach of the fleishig frying pan) The plumber who came to fix our exploded toilet (never try flushing anything combustible, or still living.- toilet care tip #57) told me I look better with my hair cut, so I'm gonna take his word for it. (notice: the mans english vocabulary consisted of a shrill cry of "crazy crazy double" and he amused himself by throwing handfuls of crap around our courtyard. at anything that moved) Fashion advice should always be taken from those with a thick dark crust caking their overalls. Thats probably how all the designers got their first tip off. (I dont know why but I'm enjoying putting in all these parentheses in. I think its those little gerbils in my head trying to get a word in edgewise.) They mustve had a leak and their local friendly plumber told them exactly what was stylish. (We're not gerbils, we're hamsters!) Thats probably why they charge so much. (are you guys acting up again?) Toilets fixed, but dont worry- fashion advice free of charge. (these are fun, but awfully confusing)

Todays Plans

he snickered maniacally, rubbing his hands together, as he attached the blue wire to the one that buzzed and sparked every time a gust of wind caught it. "this time the tomatoes will certainly splat on the unsuspecting head of those mean motorcyclists.....


posted Thursday, 4 January 2007

This shabbos is the first shabbos in about 2 months that I'm gonna be home in yerushalayim. I couldve gone with some friends who are going to all sorts of exciting places. (those with and without rockets) but a friend of mine is having his afruf this shabbos, so I'm gonna stay. Some of my relatives seem to be getting a little anxious for me to come for a shabbos. But I like anxious relatives. The more anxious the better. I think I have too many relatives anyway. I think I'm gonna start selling them. They're all tons of fun. So they're gonna be expensive. (my little bro in israel, whos definitely reading this,might be sold and he should consider himself warned, and should start quivering in his clicky shoes. Right about now. Theres no reason for his sale, except that he'd probably fetch a lot on the pre-owned relatives market, and I need cash. Nothing personal.)

In other news (related slightly but I forgot how) I decided that if I forget something important one more time, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a string tied around my finger, so I'll never forget anything ever again. If that wont work, I may just wedge one of those dino bones through my nose as an even more noticeable reminder. Its happened way to many times that I walk over to the fridge, open it, stare at the contents for ten minutes racking my brains to try to remember why I'm standing there, replay the events of the last five minutes before I walked to the fridge, and only then remember that I was heading to the bathroom. Or vice versa, standing with the bathroom door open staring at the contents (toilet paper, newspaper, toilet, shower, mold, mold, a cute furry creature with an adorable smile, someone trying to beat the cute furry creature to death with a plunger and a plastic soup spoon, someone capturing the epic battle on camera, someone laughing at the cute furry creatures continuous victory and getting his camera hit with the plunger, then somebody avenges his camera by giving the plunger fellow a giant swirly, while cute furry creature smiles its adorable smile in appreciation, and claps its adorable paws together) only to remember that I was heading for the fridge. If the bone wont work I may do the hubcap in the ear approach. All those people featured in national geographic, probably never forget anything. Even their anniversaries, or birthdays, and other stuff that is completely useless to remember, but people are always insisting that you do. Otherwise they'll chop you up in a blender, with decaf.

Freee At Last!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matin luther king's got nothin on me. and i could probably whip his little rear end on a basketball court.


posted Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Free at last! I'm free at last! I can update my blog, and type and type and type for as long as I want and nobody can say otherwise. Nobody, and I'd like to see someone try. I'll thumb my nose at the world. And stick out my tongue. And go pthpthtphthpbthbpthbpthbppthpthtphthpbthbpthbpthbp. Here goes. pthpthtphthpbthbpthbpthbppthpthtphthpbthbpthbpthbp. I'm not gonna stop. I am now unlimitless. I'm not gonna stop. Ever. Unless I want to. Then I'll stop. But only if I want. Whenever I'd like. And I can just say whatever I want for pages and pages. I feel like a little kid in a candy shop.All alone. With no grandmother present. The store owner lying next to the licorice with a big shot gun blast through his forehead. And the candy is pleading "ooooooh, eat me, eat me". I feel like a bird who's wings were tied together with dental floss and was slingshotted off a blimp at a very high altitude, but instead of splatting, I passed through a mini volcanic eruption, which melted my dental floss bonds, and enabled me to soar away. I feel like a cactus that was sitting in a desert for years and years, just doing nothing but complaining about his sunburn and laughing at the occasional lost traveler dying of thirst. And then getting dug up and transplanted in a bull ring with charging bulls and screaming fans. Basically I'm happy.

I am able to do whatever I want. Right now I would like to fix my toilet cuz its not going down. But instead I'm not going to. Cuz I'm free, and I can do whatever I want as a free man. Whatever I want. I am thinking of burning down a building. (thats what people do in this country when they feel like it) but I wont cuz thats the thoughts of a restricted man. I can burn down a country in my new unrestricted state. But I dont have to. I dont have to burn anything down, if I dont want to. Not even marshmallows. And nobody can make me. Nobody. Not even someone with a lage pair of gardening shears. Cuz I'm free.

No limits. None. I can fill up four paragraphs with the letter Q. Two paragraphs with an upper case q and two paragraphs with a lower case q, and nobody can do anything to stop me.

QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ,QQQQQ QQQQQQQQQ QQQ QQ QQ Q Q Q Q Q Q Q Q QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQ QQQQQ QQQ!QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQ QQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQ Q QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQ QQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQ QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQ Q QQ Q

qqqqqqqq,q qqqqqqqq qq q qqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqq q q,q q q q qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqq qqqqqq qqqqqqqqq qqqqqqq q q qqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqq q q q qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq,qqqqqqqqq ? qqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqq qq q q q qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqq q qqqqqqqqqqqqq qqq qqqqqqqqqqq qqq qqqqqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qq qq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq!

Nobody stopped me. I stopped at four paragraphs cuz I wanted to. If I wanted to stick a capital m or a lower case z into the middle of the qs, I couldve cuz I can do what I want. My blog now became a free mans blog. And my stuffed bald eagle mounted on the wall became a free mans stuffed eagle. His name is gregory. But I can change it cuz I'm a free man. I think I'll change it to gregory the stuffed yak mounted on my wall. I may change it again. For no reason. Every five minutes. If I want. Like now he just became gregory the stuffed eggplant mounted on the wall. Oooh and now he became gregory the stuffed mosquito mounted on the wall. This is fun. But I can stop changing his name whenever I'd like, cuz I'm free. I can stop this post whenever I'd like as well. Or I can continue for the nxt sixth months. If I'd like. If I'd like, i can capitalize that i a couple of words back and put that e in next, but I dont think I want to. Ye, I wont. I can stop typing right now. Or now. Or now. If I'd like. But I want to continue. Now I do. Now I dont. So I'm gonna stop for now. But I can continue whenever I'd like. At any time. Even in the wee hours of the morning. Even standing on my head in a bowl of melted chocolate icecream. If I so desire. I may so desire. Stay tuned.

Relatives

All my israeli (long lost) relatives have been organizing their torch and pitchfork bearing mob.Theyre even putting up signs around meah shearim asking for volunteers.I love my family(a family that riots violently together, stays together)


posted Thursday, 28 December 2006


For this shabos Im gonna visit some relatives.Iv been here for 3 months and havent visited that many of them. If I push it off too long, theyre gonna start clamoring for my blood.Then they kidnap me, tie me up with dirty garbage bags, coat me in soy sauce, and drop me into the shark tank.So Im going. Cuz soy sauce stains, and Id rather not have to scrub myself with steelwool to look white again(I have nothing against blacks, its just blacks that smell like chow mein dont have a chance in any hood)

Weather

The most talked about thing in the universe. (theres probably some glitch in our programming thats responsible for that)

posted Wednesday, 27 December 2006

It snowed today.Snow is always a welcome surprise in Israel.The reaction here is similar to the reaction a rainstorm of red and orange gumdrops would receive in the U.s. I was standing in my courtyard eating a tub of banana icecream enjoying the snow.I was so sure nobody in israel had yet discovered the joys of eating ice cream in the snow,and I see s/o walk by munching on an ice cream cone. I questioned the perpetrator(he seemed to think s/t was odd, maybe cuz I was eating it w/a knife)It came out hes english.

Holy Stuff

I was gonna write a whole long thing about the dallas cowboys and swiss cheese, but didnt think anyone would follow. So just nod and smile(a wonderful way 2 get through stuff that u dont understand) and everythingl be ok.

posted Tuesday, 26 December 2006


A couple of nights ago I accidentally went to a cool mekubal.One of those guys who sees the future, levitates, and if you try taking his picture your camera blows up and your eyeballs melt(or your camera melts and your eyeballs blow up, Im not sure, hebrew is confusing)Anyway it was real amazing to talk to and get brachas from someone who learns 23 hrs a day, and knows more about me then me. It was definitely worth the few hours we waited.

Almost Purim

cuz like duh, chanuka was over like ages ago, so pretty soon is pesach. like any minute now.

posted Saturday, 23 December 2006


Chanuka is over. I unfortunately wasnt able to beat my record of 28. I dont think there was a day that I had less then 5, and I came very close to beating it twice. (I didnt keep track of latkes, but I definitely did my share in the Depleting the World Potato Population Effort)
This shabbos I went to my former american neighbor's house. They made aliyah many years ago, so we had a lot to catch up on. Shabos was a bucket of fun.

Todays News

not the boring news that the wonderful men, women and vampires of the media try shoving into ur skull with a funnel and a plunger, just doodl news.


posted Sunday, 17 December 2006


So far today I had 4 jelly donuts.This is nowhere close to my record of 28 jelly donuts in a single day of chanuka. (as far as I know, nobodys beat that one yet) stay tuned for further developements. Maybe since I'm older this year I can do 29!

Pop the red balloon

now why did I just write that? is it because i have no control of my fingers and the 2 hamsters in my head enjoy making me type weird stuff? or maybe cuz im tired. or maybe cuz theres a red balloon hovering around my head, buzzing in my ears, and just begging to be popped.


posted Saturday, 16 December 2006



This shabbos I was in kfar tapuach. Its an awesome settlement near shechem. I didnt meet any apples, but there was tons of cute attack dogs.Shabbos was amazing (I always say that,cuz its true)Motze shabos was a big melave malka/yartzeit party/chanuka bash.It was fun.And I Am Doing The Capitalization Thing. Is It Satisfactory? (hi shaina) Hopefully I can get to sderot soon. I almost went this week,but it didnt work out.

War!

I love exclamation points!!!!!! Instead of war. or war? Its War!!!! U kno what I mean? Its so much scarier.


posted Monday, 11 December 2006

Todays headline said something about Israels defense Minister saying that Syria preparing for war so Israel is getting ready.Everybody I talk to seems to feel that a war will happen any day. (also everyone I seem to talk to was practically a general in the army, its like this whole country is full of generals) If there is a war I think we should all prepare as well. Israel isnt the only country that would be involved, so here are a few pointers what to do in the advent of war.

- Share the wealth. If you hear something that sounds like an approaching nucleur warhead, be nice and inform your neighbors. This way you can all panic and run down the street together. (this wont accomplish much but whoever survives can laugh about it later)

- Go to the store and stock up in umbrellas.Hundreds of em. This way youll start a run on the umbrellas. And while everyone is busy punching each other out over them, you make off with all the duct tape and bottled water.

-Do not be one of those sounding-the-false-alarm people. Its not funny, and this time I'm gonna be leading the angry lynching mob this time.

-Take ballet lessons. Then if the enemy comes to shoot you theyll be laughing so hard that youll have time to twirl away fast on your toes.

-Change all your cash into something valuable. Just in case your government gets blown up and the currency isnt worth anything. Maybe bullets. Theyll probably be in high demand. (and are much more fun to break then a 50)

-Get some earplugs. As long as the bombs arent falling on your bed you still need a good nights sleep.(you'll check the dresser the next morning, right now you still have a bed, go right back to sleep.)

-Also stock up in laffy taffies. The jokes will keep everyone in the bomb shelter amused, and food is always a good idea. As a bonus if someone accidentally eats your earplugs, you can always wad up some taffy and wedge it in your ear. (be sure to use a flavor you dont like that much)

-Start a telemarketing company. You're probably going to be spending the a lot of time indoors, and theres not many better ways to take peoples minds off an approaching missile then a bunch of annoying questions about their mortgage.

-Make a potato gun. For directions and reasons, see previous post entitled "a call to arms".

-If your country starts a mandatory draft for all men women and children between the ages of 3 and 75, lie and say that youre 76. When you're about to be hung for treason, inform them that you were mistaken, really you're 2. Then when their faces are purple with rage, volunteer to join the army. (someone has to keep the draft officers from getting bored during war time)

-If your country loses the war, wait and see if its a good government acting in replacement. If the new country does something smart like rounding up all the whiney pop stars and shooting the lot, then you can sing the new national anthem with pride.(first learn the language or you may get yourself shot for treason) If they do something stupid like abolishing macaroni and cheese, then run around early in the morning tossing moldy cabbages on the doorsteps of people in charge until they get the messages. (if you prefer to do something more drastic, thats your choice, I'm just giving you the safe way)

-Lastly, buy a bottle of champagne, if you survive the war- you'll have something to celebrate with. If not then someone can drink it in your memory. (its a big zchus.really. ask your rabbi if you dont believe me)

Quick Update

does anyone even read these subtitles?

posted Saturday, 9 December 2006


This shabos I went to kaidar. Its a beautiful settlement near the Dead Sea, in the Judean desert. We stayed by a friend of mine who lives there. Shabos was amazing. Since nobody there spoke english I got to practice my hebrew. It was fun. Its hard to tell jokes in hebrew ("aich korim pollacks bi'ivrit?") but it makes things more interesting. (short updates are better, if u dont think so, read each word a couple of times, slowly)

Cold

as in sneezing and runny nose, not as in cold? this isnt cold. I always chatter my teeth and look blue in the face. really. its my natural skin color. ok, ok I'l go put on some pants. but just this once.

posted Monday, 4 December 2006


Interestingly, (or not, but if not you can just go boil your elbows in heated up liquid nitrogen for all I care) the average cold lasts 7-10 days. Business days that is. Just like UPS. (and now you know why they wear that khaki greenish uniform)we should start calling them 'germs'(air mail) or 'kleenex'. Actually 'runny' is a great name for delivery service.especially with those uniforms. Whatdja think?

Today

as in this shabbos even though its over already

posted Saturday, 2 December 2006


This shabbos I wanted to go to sderot.Thats the place where kassem rockets have been killing people lately. Unfortunately it didnt work out.Maybe next shabos.I had an amazing shabbos anyway.We ended up going to shiloh.Thats the place the mishkan was, but there were no kassems. It was ok, cuz I had fun (although I can have fun duct taped into a big garage bag,together with a small rodent, being pushed down the grand canyon in a wheelbarrow, so it doesnt mean much,but your just gonna have to trust me)

100th Blog Entry!

dont even try counting it, just trust me. and have patience before you drink that hot beverage.

posted Wednesday, 29 November 2006


This is dedicated to all my wonderful readers,thank you. Without you Id be reading my own blog, commenting, and commenting back.For months. Id probably be my biggest fan. In fact Id start the fan club.Even wear the tshirt.And start rallies outside the UN.And get carted off 2 jail.So thanks 4 keeping me out of jail.All of u rock.(I know people are reading cuz my hit counter tells me ive got way over 12 thousand, and cuz some of you comment) And to the guy who keeps on bugging me to mention him in my blog, hi Leno!

Amuse yourself & others

at a once only, low price of your facade of sanity. cheaper then a song and not as loud and squeely.

posted Monday, 27 November 2006

I was walking past a bus stopped at a red light,& I see an old yerushalmi man staring out the window blankely.I immediately cover my face with my hands and approach his window.Peeking through my fingers,I make sure I have his attention,and pull my hands away,thrust my face forward forcibly at his window,and scream "BOO!" This little game can keep u occupied for hrs.The best part is watching his face change from slightly perplexed 2 totally shocked and bewildered.The second old and bored man I did it to almost died.

In a room filled with blind people the one eyed man

can blow into everyones ears, poke them in the ribs, and laugh hysterically when they swat at him

posted Friday, 24 November 2006

Last night something rather boring occured. Since I am doing my best to update often youre gonna have to hear about it. (if youre one of those people who dont like reading boring things, head immediately to the nearest store and purchase yourself a tiddleywinks game, maybe that will amuse you. Dont even finish this paragraph. Just go.) One of the guys in my apartment's button fell off his shirt. So he borrows a needle and thread and gets started.An hour and a half later he's still holding three seperate items, a needle, a shirt and a button.Unsure which items are supposed to be put together,and which do the putting together.Thats when he calls on me to rescue him. "Do you know how to sew on a button" he pleads, on his knees clasping his gift offering in his outstretched hands. Luckily I happen to have that incredible skill at my disposal. Not because I went to years of courses on the topic.Not because a very old and wise man with a long white beard sat with me in the desert with a spool and a pile of buttons, chanting. Simply because I looked at a button, examined those 4 cute little holes, and behold "maybe if a thread goes in and out of those holes a couple of times, the button will stay ON!" So I engage in this complex process(a bit like brain surgery, just theres no threading a needle in brain surgery till after your done), and some more guys come in to watch. ("dude check it out, he knows BUTTONS") Everyone is watching with bated breath, cheering for their favorite team. (me, the shirt, or the needle) After about 3 minutes, when I'm done and everybody finishes with their clapping and throwing confetti off rooftops (although that probably was just some dirt falling after getting loosened from all the cheering and clapping) one guy tells me that one time he attempted sewing on a button himself it took almost four hours and it kept on getting on backwards and upside down and it didnt stay on. Then another guy confidentially informs me that he knows how to sew buttons also, but he's not gonna tell anyone, cuz he wouldnt have a moments peace, everyone would be lining up with their buttons. I wonder if everybody else was just pretending for the same reason, or they really dont know. Didnt they ever go to yeshiva? Its not that hard to do buttons, is it? I'm gonna have to investigate. I'l keep you posted. (or I wont- if you guys find me dead with a knitting needle thrust in my heart you'l know what happened.)

Earthshattering Discoveries

ok, maybe not shattering but definitely scratching a 3 inch groove off the surface with the back of a hammer and a hard bristled toothbrush.


posted Wednesday, 22 November 2006


I just made 2 of em. #1 is that a week in Israel contains just 1 day-tuesday(if u need me 2 explain I will).The 2nd one I spent some time pondering was the age old problem that has bothered people in all sorts of life threatening situations, of the earth being flat or round. After a series of complex experiments, I have concluded that its neither. The world is actually square.

This shabbos

or shabbat. or motorcycle. (ok, fine just shabbat)


posted Sunday, 19 November 2006

Shabbat Chaye sara in chevron was amazing.There were like bazillions of people there. In the house I stayed in there was about 80 people.The floor was bit hard and the guy next to me's foot tasted terrible, but it was definitely worth it. In the parsha Efron told Avrom he could have the land cheap,and then proceeded to rip him off. Walking from kiryat arba to chevron, I stopped in a vineyardand after being told to pay whatever I wanted for a cluster of grapes, ended up paying more then ten bucks .It was awesome! I was living the parsha!

No Time

cuz a short little man in a 3 piece suit climbed into the window and smashed all the clocks


posted Thursday, 16 November 2006


I know I said Id update more often, but I just dont have time. I dont have time for like anything these days.I havent gotten a haircut in months.I have random strangers informing me that I need one.But I have no time so I may just start braiding it(or wearing in curlers, whichever takes less time)Im updating today not friday cuz Im gonna be headed to chevron for shabos, and I doubt Im gonna have time. Blineder, next week Im gonna try 2 update more then once(Im gonna have 2 continue postponing barber appt tho)

Why do I even bother with long drawn out titles?

Oh right, I get a kick out of them. Good point.

posted Friday, 10 November 2006

Guess what. Guess. Nope not telling you, you have to guess. Nope. Guess again. Wrong again, I'l just tell you. I'm alive. Yayy! First of all i'm gonna apologize for my lack of grammar,spelling and stuff that gives english teachers many long nights waking up in cold sweat. I blame reading and talking hebrew too much lately, and my lack of time. (and i was traumatized at an early age that cuddly zoo animals should be left in their cages, and one should not poke them with sharp pointy objects, really)

This week hardly had a dull moment. I'm not gonna bore you with all the details of who got beat over the head with horses, who beat a horse over the head with a cop, who managed to dehorse a cop,who chucked rocks at who and who got arrested. The final hafgana was the one when the cops rushed into my home turf and invaded the mir. It was fun ,but didnt get that out of hand. The parade was pretty much canceled, they are having a behind close doors parade ("we have pride we're not ashamed of who we are, hey shut that window, someone might hear us") The signs pretty much say, that 'we the chareidim cant stand gay ppl at all, but we're gonna compromise and not riot on this one'. Its not like there wont be any more hafganas, theres always something to hafgana about.

In other somewhat related news,I just bought the commemarative (im not even gonna TRY spelling anything right till I get back to an english speaking country, although I'm sure its an o) hafgana of the gays tshirt. Its pretty funny. In other news not even remotely related, I'm probably gonna end up getting insurance. And I'm gonna try to update more often, and i might even try to make sense when I do. (no promises tho) stay tuned. (or dont, and just walk around with a head full of static for all I care, I'm not gonna be the one missing my ride when they come back to this planet)

Update

Hows that for an original title?

posted Friday, 3 November 2006

This past whole week was like over way to fast, so It was just one big blur and I cant write much about a blur except that blurs are ofter colorful and depending on what is causing the blur (like if you try drag racing a ferrari on the highway, and he decides hes in a rush)often accompanied by loud noises.

Basically this past whole week was full of hafganas.Everyones pissed about the upcoming gay parade, so they've been having riots and other fun stuff all this week. (next week, if possible its supposed to be even bigger) For all those who dont know, a hafgana is basically this fun gathering of all the people in the city, where they burn dumpsters, chant, run for their lives when the bad guys show up, and repeat. For hours.(somebody should introduce these people to video games) I wanted to attend them all but I was working on getting insurance for my stolen stuff, so I didnt really have time. (if i get the insurance its gonna be a little more then 4 thousand bucks, so I better get it, or I might have to do something drastic, like offer pogo stick tours aroung israel to make back my money) Last night I had some time so I went. It was awesome. There wasnt a single dumpster not on fire. A bit silly because most of them were plastic and they melted into a little cute lump of plasic on top of some wheels, but its all in good fun so its ok. I actually felt a little bad for the dumpsters, its not like they did something wrong, but I figured they mustve or they wouldnt be on fire. So I got a chant started-"dumpsters are gay, burn em" but it didnt last long.

Hafganas are awesome fun, and you can try it at home. (if u live in this country that is, I doubt in the u.s ud have that much fun doing the same) All you have to do is, step 1, push a overflowing dumpster into the middle of a street (try to find the biggest street and dumpster) then light it. Next you chant something(whatever you like, it doesnt have to be on topic nobodys really listening if you scream something like "down with vanilla, up with cookies and cream, or rocky road whichever I can get now!") Then when the regular cops push you around just back off a bit but dont go for the mad scramble yet. Thats comes when the riot police get there. Youll know when they arrive cuz the whole crowd screams "yassem" or "nazi" and runs for their lives. They are armed with big sticks, horses, water cannons and other stuff that'l make you wish you were much further away and still running. They also arrest and beat innocent bystanders, so even the people gawking out of windows take cover when they arrive.

I gotta run now, but theres much more to write on this topic, but its gonna have to be by s/o else w/ more time. Good shabbos.

Hola! Como Esta?

just kidding, shalom, mah nishma?

posted Friday, 27 October 2006

Hey everyone, sorry about the delay in updating. Due to some minor problems (like my computer getting stolen along with just about everything else I own) I am a bit late. Dont have much time to update, but basically my flight was nice, (a bit too short) I traveled with a whole shipload of friends so we partied the whole way here. I spent my first day in the police station.- Tons of fun. Also went to a hafgana. By now I'm speaking hebrew like a native. (a native jamaican that is) This place is awesome. And they've got tons of cute cats all over the place. I just created a new phrase in hebrew, that seems to be catching on fast. what happened was after almost getting killed by an egged, (I'm talking screeching to a stop about a half an inch from my nose) i exclaimed: 'parah kadosh!' If you hear anyone using it know what the source was. (yes I know it should be kadosha, but it sounds better that way and thats that)

Anyway I'm loving every second and having tons of safe, no risk completely insured fun (disclaimer: that was for all the worrywarts)I dont have time to type more. But I dont and even if I did I wont bore you with all the humorous mistakes I made in hebrew.See y'all soon and my cell here is 011 972 (i think theres supposed to be a 0 here, but only in israel???)54 662 1254. If anybody wants me to email a pic (the one palmtree mentioned) just send an email request to crazdude19@yahoo.com and Il try to get to it.

On My Way..

to yerushalayim,(if u ask a holy yidela on his way to the gas chambers "what r u thinking about?" he'd answer "i'm on my way to yerushalayim")

posted Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Not yet. But in a couple of days I'm there. I havent packed yet. Im planning on waiting till a couple of minutes before my flight to just throw everything into a suitcase and scramble to make it- I like to keep myself on my toes. I have all my clothes and stuff piled all around my bed. Its harder then usual to find it. I hope to be able to update in E'y. If not and y'all get pissed, dont hesitate to send me a virus or a letter bomb or something. I may need a little encouragement to update. Anyway gotta run I'm in middle of chol hamoed now and gotta go have fun. over and out.

Meme

I agree it definitely should be pronounced meemee, but its pronounced meem and theres nothing we can do bout it.

posted Sunday, 1 October 2006

I'm still not sure what the point of these things are, but I'm tagged and I'm it, so here goes.

Color Me Meme

RED - ANGER
1. Are you currently mad at someone? Nope. Dont think I ever was mad at someone. If fact I just dont think, so it makes things easier.
2. Which of your family members has the worst temper? One of my brothers, he gets mad if I do a little thing to him like throwing him down a flight of stairs, I mean please.Whats buggin u dude?
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone? That answer is do obvious I dont know why I'm even bothering. Of course, how else do u pass the ketchup, or play baseball, or basketball, or toss the car keys, or do about every single task in human interaction?
4. Does your face turn red when you're angry? I wonder what my face would like like if I ever actaully got really pissed off.
5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell? Karate chops. Fast. Hard. And then get out of the way cuz next is the roundhouse kicks.

ORANGE - EXCITEMENT
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you? Every day is a surprise party. I have roommates you understand.
2. Are you easily excited? Yup!!!!!!
3. What event is coming up that you're most excited about? My first meme. I find everything exciting though, even grass growing. Slowly.
4. Which of your friends is most excitable? Thats a tough one. When u say excitable do u mean running aroung waving a chainsaw howling about a bunny and his last piece of shnitzel?
5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? I wonder how many pieces of bubble gum this would buy. 6. If you could have anything right now? Anything anything? Is there a limit? One thing? I have just about everything I need. I wouldnt say no to a couple of cold beers and some good music.

YELLOW - SELF DISCOVERY
1. Name? Doodlehead
2. Where were you born? Manhattan. The corner of, ok ok the hospital.(honesty isnt so much fun)
3. What's your main goal in life? I dont know what I'm having for lunch today and I should know what my goal in life is?
4. Do you want to have children? Yes.
5. How do you want to die? Ideally I would to live to a very old age and then go painlessly. But if g-d decides thats not the case I hope I go with a bang.
PURPLE - LOVE
1. Do you love someone? Lots and lots of people.
2. Do you have a crush? Isnt that a teenager thing?
3. Who is the best hugger that you know? Either my lead guitarist (hi doc) or this 40 year old isreali guy with huge hands and bearhuggery arms.
4. Do you believe in love at first sight? Does it exist? How should I know? Ask someone whos married.
5. Have you ever been in love? I dont think so.

Q&A:
Q. How many beds did you lay in yesterday? Im pretty sure 1.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing? A white sleeveless undershirt.
Q: Name one thing that you do everyday? The only thing I can count on is pissing every day. Dont think I missed one yet.
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now? Maybe 5 or 10 bucks. I dont do cash. I do have 3 credit card (one of which is unlimited spending) and 5 or 6 debit/atm cards.
Q: Look to your left. What's there? Uh a cute little green plant. I named him sparky. He doesnt talk much yet, but hes learning .
Q: What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? I dont remember. I'm racking my brain and I keep coming up blank, except for this really nice beatles song.
Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day? h.com. my blog. my email. I hardly use the web 4 much else but buying stuff or doing research.
Q: Do you have plants in your room? my bedroom has no plants. (is mold a plant?)
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now? Well I've been sitting a while and my butt could use a nice walk, but no pain.
Q: What city was your last taxicab ride in? Probably brooklyn maybe manhattan. When I travel far I rent.
Q: Do you own a picture phone? Nope.
Q: Recent time you were really upset? Not recently. Although a while back my mother was late with the diaper change. But I'm over it now.

Opinions:
1. Sex before marriage?: run ur own life however ud like
2. Gay marriage? ditto, ,just I dont wanna kno about it and dont be parading.
3. Lower the drinking age? yeah wtvr, I'm 21 and even when I wasnt it didnt really stop me. waste of paper those laws.
4. Recycling? yeh sur Why not?
Dreams:
1. What was your latest dream? I was standing with 2 friends in my grandmothers downstairs bathroom, and the mirror was fogged up,(twas strange, abunch of russians had just used the shower) so I grabbed a tissue and started cleaning of the mirror. It was a blue tissue (which was wierd cuz she has the blue ones in the upstairs 1 to match the walls and stuff) and pieces of blue tissue were getting all over mirror. So veed yells dude ur getting it dirtier and he grabs another tissue and brushes off what I did. But more came on so he tried using his hands but it got it all smudged so he used another tissuewhich got it full of tissue again. finally the last guy decided to use the toilet brush but I knocked it out of his hand cuz we wouldnt want crap all over the mirror. I dont remember how it actually ended.
2. Have any of your dreams come true? I dont know.
3. What was the weirdest dream youâ€^TMve ever had? I'm not writing one of my weird ones now. It would take a really long time. If u want a weird one I blogged about it awhile back check it out.
Last________
1. Person you saw: these little kids riding their bikes past, one of thems name was gino or s/t like that.
2. Hugged: tzvi
3. Song that made you cry: I was drunk, I dont remember what song it was but I did feel emotional. (unless I was just overdue for a pee or s/t)
4. Movie watched in cinema: cinema? dont think I'v been there.
5. Song you listened to: I fell asleep last nite to metallica.

Today________
1. What are you doing now: I'm friggin typing up this meme.
2. What are you doing tonight: yom kipur is tonite.
3. What are you going to eat for lunch: I'll know when I get to that stage in my life. geez, I dont even have a life goal and I should know what I'm eating for lunch?

Tomorrow_____
1. Is: yom kippur
2. Goal: survive with some positive changes.
3. What are you doing tomorrow: fasting and praying. not much else.
4. Do you have to work: nope. unless u call not eating or drinking 4 24 hrs and standing and praying work.

Currently_________
1. Love someone: Thousands of people.
2. Like someone: Millions of ppl
3. Does someone like you? ditto

I tried. Did I do it ok?

The doodle charity event

if u dont like charity then scram.


posted Thursday, 28 September 2006

I am starting a campaign for all those homeless guys you see sleeping in bus stops and train stations. This is a real low budget campaign. I just wanna collect enough to buy all of the homeless guys t-shirts that say 'my other bed's in a house'. Thats all. It would accomplish a couple of things. Most importantly it would keep them warm(we can get long sleeve ones, ok). Besides for that though it would be a source of revenue for them. Think about it, every chinese tourist would love to get a picture with a homeless guy wearing that shirt (at least I would if I'd be a chinese tourist)which means more dollars! (whatever more dollars means to them is irrelevant) Also it would enable people who normally hurry by the lump on the sidewalk, to stop for a second, read the line, smile, and maybe think.

I'll admit its not the greatest charity idea out there, but if I manage to accomplish my goal, I know I'd sleep blissfully that night with the hoarse croaks of thanks ringing in my ears, and visions of big beaming smiles,flitting through my dreams, tooth and all. Wouldnt you do the same?

A Public Service Announcment

Ok its not really public, and its not much of a service, but its sort of an announcment. just deal with it.

posted Friday, 22 September 2006

To all those really nice people who send me thousands of txt messsages daily.

After my cellphone company raised the prices a while back on text messages, I started getting all of those 'please daven for shprintza ben chaim sara, dont break the chain' messages, and all those real funny jokes like 'why did the gum cross the road, cuz it was stuck to the chickens foot'. Its obvious that the cellphone company started the fwding cuz they want more money. All theyd have to do would be to send it to one of those guys that always feels he has to fwd anything in his inbox (even "are you finished in there? theres a long line and Im gonna end up going in my pants.") to his entire contact list, and instantly they make a couple of hundred bucks(or more depending on how many people still feel threatened by "dont break the chain") I didnt mind though, occasionally I got a good joke that would make me crack up in middle of shul, and I would often actually daaven that people shouldnt get sick, (I had to shell out like 50 bucks a month in refuah shlaima text messages. Who wouldnt daven after that?)

I would like to ask all those wonderful people who havent sent me the rosh hashana text messages yet to kindly send them to your cell phone service provider (if anyone deserves to be swamped with witty messages its them) This also goes for anyone who sent me already and has some more pearls of wisdom to share. I thank you for the 349 times I have got chsima vchisma tova (in about almost as many different variations in spelling) the good year wishes,the sweet year wishes, the wishes to stay safely out of prison, the complete lyrics for dip the apple in the honey song (the guy who started that one really knew his stuff) and yes everyone I'm mochel you,although theres nobody in the world who has actually done something to me that I actually remembered for the length of time that I could hold my breath. Why would I respond to any of the'R u mochel me' messages? If you really fooled yourself into thinking you have "said or done anything that may have hurt me" then you should probably give me a call, wouldnt you say? If I felt I'd wronged someone I'd call them (call. I said call. remember that) theres no need to inform me about how generously you are being mochel me in txt mssg langwge.

I hope everyone has a good yom tov. (if u want a personal good yom tov wish give me a call, my company policy this year is "let everyone else do the calling" this goes for people like you-the one who leaves voice mails only during the wee hours of the morning when I am fast asleep, attacking me for never picking up my phone, and trying to compete with a better rapper, sorry sonnyboy we'll battle whenever u ready)

Hooray!

just ignore me....


posted Monday, 18 September 2006

I am typing this on my new computer. It just came today. Hooray for dell, hooray for ups, hooray for the rest of em. over and out.

In related news...

depending, of course

posted Sunday, 17 September 2006

I had a 1 pound bag of twerpz for breakfast this morning. All of it. I dont feel so good right now. It wouldnt be so bad except that my stomach still hasnt recovered from the full bowl of wasabi that I fed it last night. Right now its debating jumping off a tall structure, or putting a gun to its head and blowing its brains out.

Eagles and Yaks

walk into a bar....

posted Friday, 15 September 2006

I was going to write about eagles and yaks, but I really have no time. I've been busy lately,which is why I havent updated in a while. (now before you start worrying, I am not, repeat not, overexerting myself, busy just means less time to sit down and type something up then I usually have.) Behold. I have my ticket already and and I have an apartment, so now I can get to israel if I just get my passport. And speaking of yaks did you know that a yak can weigh up to 2200 lbs? And they are like 6 and a half feet tall. Pretty crazy. Eagles on the other hand dont weigh so much and they arent so tall either. And they fly. I just thought you might be interested to know.

A Video

posted Monday, 11 September 2006


I took it on my camera, so forgive the poor quality. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4441621514281200490

Cows

You know, those big cute creatures who chew grass and moo. Cutely.

posted Wednesday, 6 September 2006


I'm dedicating this blog entry to all cows everywhere and anywhere.

Why computers don't work

they just hang around the water cooler gossiping..

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=hi+search+engine%2C+my+name+is+doodlehead+and+I+hear+you+can+help+me+find+anything%2C+I%27m+looking+for+a+website+that+sells+clogs%2C+I+prefer+black+leather+for+under+40+bucks.I+need+a+size+9+and+a+9+1%2F2.+Do+you+think+you+can+find+it%3F&btnG=Search

see? I'm not making it up. Google really isnt as good at finding things as y'all thought.

posted Wednesday, 30 August 2006

T-shirts

What the heck can I possibly write on the subject??


posted Monday, 28 August 2006

I like wearing tshirts with funny lines on them. A while back I was thinking of starting a t-shirt company (with sj). I always enjoy reading other peoples shirts also. I'm not gonna list all the good ones, but the other day I saw one that made me go, huh? (not with the jaw drop-wide eye expression, more like wrinkled forehead-medium puzzled expression) It said "you are what you eat". Intrigued, I asked the guy "excuse me, I just read your shirt and I was wondering what its supposed to mean" Him: well, its sorta funny . Me: does that mean If I eat a cow I'm a cow? Him: I guess. Me: so that would mean that the only real people are cannibals, right? Him: uh...y..I suppose Me: But you realize that wouldnt be true either because the people they eat, ate cows too, so they'd also be cows which would make the cannibals cows as well. Him: uh. and walks away very quickly, glancing nervously over his shoulder.

I've heard that expression before does anyone know what it means? You are what you eat. If I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, does that mean I'm a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Cuz that would be really cool, I'd never get a ticket again. "you see officer I'm aware that I was doing 40 over the limit, but highway laws only apply to people, and I'm a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." that would definitely work. Or "indecent exposure? You gotta be kidding me, I'm an extra large burger double jumbo burger with mayo, we never wear clothes, why would you think I'm human? Are you feeling alright officer?" "officer? who'r you calling an officer? I'm a dozen donuts and large coffee"

I just dont get it. Waiting for an explanation. (I'll wait all day if I have to) Somebody oughta know what it means.

Still Alive!!

posted Tuesday, 22 August 2006

Sorry for not updating for the last month. The one time I got online I almost got shot.I kid you not. (I managed to get away, but my friends find the story just another hilarious night in doodles life, its not like they had to dodge bullets and try not tripping over gravestones in a completely dark lonesome stretch of wilderness, they just laugh at my costume and the fact that I survived.)

Anyway camp was awesome, I managed to come close to dying only a couple of times the whole summer. (pretty good record, eh? I guess its cuz I'm older so I'm safer) once,trying to get online, another on one of my off days, I decided I wanted to do something a little more 'extreme' then usual. We were rescued by a british tourist the first time and then we managed to stay one step of the way ahead of the grim reaper the rest of the off day. It was tons of fun. If u want I'll bore u with the details later.

So

"a needle pulling thread, la a note to follow so, tea a drink with jam and bread.."

posted Thursday, 20 July 2006

I'm heading off to camp in a couple. (days) I may or may not be able to update my blog. It depends on a lot of factors. (like if theres wireless internet I can use, or if camp office has an alarm, or if I bring lock picks, or if my liquid nitrogen leaks out of my suitcase again, or if I get a message from heaven informing me that I am commanded to update my blog,or if sweet and sour meatballs spoil if left in the spare tennis shoes, basically theres a lot of different factors)

If I update you'll know. If I dont youll probably know too. Either way if youre clicking on my blog wondering if I updated and you see this message, and youre like "aw man, now how am I gonna waste the next 5 minutes? that mutha bleeper didnt update." Have no fear doodles here. http://www.urban75.org/useless/bored.html See, I'd never let you guys down. Enjoy.

If I update and it makes no sense then just take a mental note to ask me to repost it when I come back from camp and am in full control of my mental functions. (that sort of thing happens often in camp these days, you understand, its sad, but its life.)

Guess What?

posted Wednesday, 19 July 2006

I actually cleaned my room a little today! Now before you start getting all hysterical "oh no, what happened to him, has he been hanging with the wrong crowd again? what could have made him do such a drastic thing? Is it my fault? did I push him over the edge?" etc. , I said a little. A little means a little. Very little. If you'd walk in now youd still have to use heavy duty spelunking gear to find a bed. Then it'd take you a while to sort out which part is the top and which was the bottom. Then after you figure it out, and make the necessary adjustments, flip it over the proper way, you'd still have to spend some time looking through the piles on the floor for a pillow, or something soft that isnt covered in unidentified organic matter. After doing all that, it'd be time to wake up,don't even bother going to sleep, really you shouldnt have bothered.

And thats after the cleanup. I'll be honest, I didnt really clean up that much. But its the thought that counts. I got started. What happened is my ex-roommate had a tendency to leave food lying around indefinitely. If nobody else would get rid of it it would just stay. and stay. and evolve. The experience was very interesting, (at least for a guy who spent every science class involved in a lot more entertaining things then science class. Like trying to hook passerby's caps with a fishing rod out the window, or trying to make that days lesson explode, or trying to explain to the teacher why I did something stupid in 1000 words, etc) Did you know what happens when you leave a pot of coffee for a couple of months? First these little green islands start forming on the surface of the coffee. Then after a few more weeks they get bigger, and the plant life start forming. Followed by some other living creatures until you've got yourself your own little ecosystem, right on your dresser. -beats an ant farm any day. (just make sure you get a glass pot, or you can't see the results as good) He left some other interesting foodstuffs lying around too. (I never understood why he didnt finish off the donuts, it was always a couple of bites, then ooops fell behind dresser.wtvr) The weird thing is the cup of coke that he left for like half a year. I was expecting a show like the pot of coffee, but nothing happened. The coke just sat and looked back at me. Every day it just evaporated a bit more and more, untill after about a half a year it disappeared completely, leaving just some brownish goopy sediment on the bottom of the cup. (smelled a little like a concentrated diarrhea dirty diaper)

I also finally ate that can of macaroons thats been sitting in my room since pesach!! I mean its only in middle of july, right? I wonder why those things don't spoil or get stale. They were as fresh as they were on pesach. Whenever I encounter something that doesn't spoil like the macaroons or that doesnt grow mold like the coke, i get a little worried, because it means that theres more chemicals in the product then food. (did you ever see antifreeze get moldy? or what about motor oil? they are chemicals) I also consumed a giant bag of marshamallows. See what I do in the name of cleaning up.

A Call To Arms

Ring ring....hello this is right calling left, u arent wearing wristwatch..over


posted Monday, 17 July 2006

I'm sure everybody knows about the rocket attacks in Israel lately. (if u dont I'l tell u: theres rocket attacks in Israel) Innocent people are getting hurt and killed and its not a pretty scene. You probably remember my views on how to end the conflict http://headofdoodle.blogspot.com/2007/03/ending-all-strife.html, apparently the Israeli government doesnt read my blog.

Today I'm asking all people who live in Israel who read my blog, to please join me in a nonviolent (for the most part) protest to the rocket attacks. I'm gonna be calling up my little brother whos in Israel to get him to recruit his whole yeshiva to join in my plan. All you need is a 50 pound sack of potatoes, 2 screws,a little bit of wire, a pvc pipe (thats the white plastic ones) a battery and a can of spray deoderant. Sounds familiar? For those of you who've done this before youre probably starting to identify this as 'the potato gun'. Its a very simple (and fun) toy. What you do is jam the potato down the top of the pipe, then you spray the deoderant in the bottom,and seal it with a screw on cap. You have the screws drilled in face to face at the bottom with the battery set up with a switch, that it will cause a spark to jump between the screws, which will ignite the deo, and propel the potato at a very fast speed, usually very far (depending on where you aim it, do not ask about the incident involving a sparrow, an elderly lady crossing the street, a traffic light, and my potato gun)

So the protest that I ask you to join, is that we should unleash a shower of potatoes on those people who dare rain rockets and missiles on our nation in Israel. Its non violent, because even if it actually hits someone it wont do much more then raise a bruise, and it sends a message because they will have splattered potatoes, and potatoes splattering where ever they go. Thank you all for joining me, and I would be really excited if the headlines tomorrow scream "mysterious rain of potatoes take forecasters by surprise" or "settlers dont take anything from anyone, and blast spuds not scuds" or "Muhammed Musah Zerqwirdi al Vernaskimi Bimaltiutyi claims flying food is what caused him to accidentally drop his cousin Abdul Ahmed Ali Samah el Msallam Saliyh Awda into the cement mixer, officials arent buying it." or "Muslim extremist lay down arms, because of 'allahs potato attack" or "potato kugel prices skyrocket, PM declares national emergency" or "angelina spotted feeding a giraffe somewhere in africa, while brad looks on" (ok, not the last one, but you get the idea)

Fast Day

Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip. (ok I take that back)

posted Thursday, 13 July 2006

Its weird, I go for days without eating a normal meal. I've had days were all I had was a carton of eggs and a full chocolate cake late at night. Thats it. You'd think that I would be used to fasts. Its all in the mind (there is nothing that isnt, as I've said many times in the past) The problem is when you think about the f-word. (You know what I mean, pull your mind out of the gutter, and put it in a permanent press spin cycle, wouldya?) Nobody ever notices the food in a movie. Its always something thats just there to make it more realistic.For example brad pitt is commonly munching on snacks throughout movies, because that makes him look more like the part he's trying to portray. But food is just food , its not a big deal. When your watching a movie on a fast day, all you see is opening credits, followed by a resturaunt scene in which waiters walk by with plates of really good looking fo*d. Then the main characters bite into their really good fo*d, youre completely oblivious to the 'important dialogue' going on around the fo*d.Next you completely miss the scene where one of the main guys gets bumped off, and the cops are having a high speed car chase. You do notice the half eaten donut on one of the cars dashboards, and the cup of coffee sitting next to it. Then theres a really emotional scene involving the widow crying and her friend comforting her, but your just looking at the tray of chocolates on the table. Somewhere in the backround you hear the sounds of breaking glass and 2 women shrieking, but youre trying to see past the masked intruder,into the kitchen." What could be in that big steaming pot? Could it be soup. I hope its chicken. I like chicken soup, but if they put potatoes in it I'll just scream." Then when he has them duct taped up in the back of his van , your frantically looking around for anything, anything that looks edible. (not for anyhing that cuts duct tape, let them rot in their duct tape, what do you care, you want food)"is that a candy bar on the floor? no its a knife. forget it, why are they trying to pick up the knife there are more important things to look for now"

Then flash to scene at headquarters. Chief looks up from a huge cup of coffee, barks something at officer in the office with him. All you see is the steam rising rising rising (gosh, it like doesnt end) from the cup. Then the scene changes to bad guys meeting in a strip bar, "hey somebody get her out of the way, I'm trying to see the table .hey, move! just got a glimpse of some sort of steak dish, hey get those out of my face, they're up to dessert!" Ok I'll skip the rest of the movie, we'll fast forward to the end (we dont want to be stuck here for a couple of months reading about the f-word do we? especially when fasting) Then theres the last touching scene where the bad guy and good guy have a little talk/fight, with the girl in the backround, and when the good guy wins and gets the girl and everybody is happily ever after, thats when your stomache really starts to grumble. You just took your mind off f**d for a whole movie! (wasnt that the point?)

Longevity

30 doodleisms on living long

posted Monday, 10 July 2006

Being old, (now that I am you know) I feel I have to bestow some tips of how to attain long life upon y'all. Just to sorta spread the wealth around.

1) Never, and I mean never insult the guy with the gun.

2) pull your own rip cord

3)when faced with the choice of giving the finger or giving some extra gas, go for the gas

4)resist the urge to look down

5)the way to check if the train is coming is not by putting your ear to the track

6)obey dont walk signs, or just run very fast

7)a good time to stretch is not right when you emerge from a helicopter

8)make sure to learn how to cry for help in every language

9)keep crazy glue far away from all your orifices

10)when in doubt, duck

11)if your gonna be frying your burgers on an electrified fence, make sure you wear rubber gloves

12)take the photo OUTSIDE the lion cage

13)never get between an old cranky man and the remote

14)although it sparkles very prettily, drop it after you light the fuse

15)if you're gonna walk through a minefield, bring along a dog and a long leash

16)youll never get your face on a hundred, so dont even think of trying the kite in lightning experiment

17)contrary to popular belief, people cant fly. even with a bright cape or flapping your arms very hard. trust me.

18)that warning sharks sign, is for you not them. they cant read, and wouldnt be intimidated even if they could

19)do not attempt to trip a steamroller by sticking out your foot

20)if the elevator cable snaps, climb on top of the fat guy

21)that thing in the back isnt a giant bong, its called an exhaust pipe

22)saying sorry wont stop an angry mob. run.

23)jackhammers do not make good bathtub toys

24)theres no need to check, crocodiles dont floss, I assure you.

25)ammonia may taste great in salad, but itd be beneficial for you to avoid it.

26)when playing golf with a beginner, wear a helmet and a cup

27)do not take a bull by the horns, or by the tail, or by any other body part. the only place you should take a bull is by surprise.

28)do not scratch an itch with a running chainsaw. try to avoid using an idle chainsaw as well.

29)If youre gonna be an astronaut (not a good career choice if you wanna live long) make sure you use the bathroom before you leave earth. you never know what the oxygen level is in public restrooms on other planets.

30)always keep a fire extinguisher handy, even if theres no fire they can be used as good bug sprays.

I hope all of you manage to abide by my rules of long life. if you have any others to add feel free to add em below.

Some Vids

posted Friday, 7 July 2006

These were made by some talented yeshiva guys with some time on their hands.

check em out. (some friends act in some of them)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1282799600662399843&q=rabbis&pr=goog-sl this is the 1st one- Rabbis 1

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6768676993117130317&q=rabbis&pr=goog-sl the sequel-Rabbis 2

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6768676993117130317&q=rabbis&pr=goog-sl Behind the beards

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1215451642603620526&q=rabbis good vid.

Freshly Squeezed

posted Thursday, 6 July 2006

This morning I'm about to eat breakfast. (k, it was 11, but its still breakfast) I open up the fridge, theres no more orange juice.I close fridge. I open again. Still no orange juice. I close it again. When I open it I see a couple of oranges. Aha, if orange juice is indeed made out of oranges, then all I have to do is squeeze my juice out of the oranges. So I grab 2 oranges and squeeze them. And squeeze them, and squeeze them. Then I pick up the dead pieces and squeeze some more. Finally I have almost a full cup of freshly squeezed oj. It was delicious. (ok, maybe not delicious, but it definitely wasnt spit out on the table disgusting) The problem is it tastes nothing like regular oj. It tasted like a liquid version of oranges. Sweet, tangy, and with authentic orange flavor. Now why would that be? According to the tropicana orange juice container there is no added water or sugar. Thats when I discovered the truth to the rumors about tropicana. When they say no added water they mean none after the oranges were squeezed. But that doesnt stop them from soaking the oranges in water for days before squeezing, and causing orange juice to be a totally watered down imitation. And sugar. When they proudly proclaim on the label (right next to were they claim it cures heart disease) that theres no added sugar, you would assume that means they, the orange juice company do not- which is the opposite of do- put sugar into their orange juice, and therefore you are ingesting pure oranges. Little do we realize they manufacter a sweetener out of oranges, and smile and tell us that there are only oranges in their orange juice.

I'm not complaining (even if I am, its only a little) about the taste, but about the dishonesty. In truth the reason why we like the taste is only because thats what they've been feeding us all along. If we wouldnt have gotten used to it, would we enjoy a watered down, sweetener added, drink they call orange juice?

Birthday

posted Monday, 3 July 2006

I turned 21 today. Today all I drank was a berries and cream doctor pepper. and some orange juice. I did not have any alcohol since I turned 21. (ok, not really but a beer doesnt really count. I meant real alcohol) People usually are either are extremely happy when they have a birthday, (lil kids) or very depressed (the ones getting closer to old -er age) Right now I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday, except for the relief of not using a fake id, and worried about getting busted.

Tom cruise's b-day is today also. The only diff. is that he's turning much older, and I'm a better actor. I wonder if hes depressed. Hes probly looking at the 44 candles and thinking "boy am I old, I wonder when its time 4 diapers"

I'm trying

posted Friday, 30 June 2006

to fix this stupid date. For the last while it was on lord howe island time. I have no clue where that is, but my blog thinks im there now. I just figured out how to get it to u.s time. lets see if it worked....

Experimenting with drugs

posted Thursday, 29 June 2006


weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.




Its a stupid phrase. Its always being said by those people who in order to appear responsible and not lie about past drug use, say something like "I experimented with drugs in my youth." This way they make you think they are honest and that they are clean. Perfect candidate for political office, right? I mean what does experimenting mean anyway? You werent sure what would get you high, so you approached it scientifically? Let me guess, this guy sat down with leaves from all different trees, like some elm, oak maple, got some rose petals, maybe some pine needles, and smoked every single one, till he dicovered (eureka!) marijuana. (of course with the obligatory white coat/big glasses guy standing by with a clipboard.

The fact is that stoners are the smartest people on the planet. Everyone knows that. They are always coming up with original ways to get high (despite much persecution). The fact that someone even figured out that if you take a simple leaf, crush it, roll it and smoke it gets you high, shows some real creative thinking. I wonder how many false starts they had with that 'experiment'. The early pioneers in this field probably tried smoking tennis balls ("nah too bouncy, and smells like burning crap) or aluminum cans ("whoaaa, like too sharp around the edges man")and even dried bat dung. (interesting thing to try on rainy days) And thats just the smoking aspect. I can't even begin to imagine how many things they sniffed till some doofus dicovered coke. I'm sure it didnt take long for them to realize that it had to be a powder.( "aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! aaaaaaaaah!!! get it out! get it out, Its crawling around and eating my nose"!Aaaaaaah! Why do I always get the animal section of this experiment?) But the question is when they actually realized that most powders dont do much aside for making your eyes water and your nose run. (not mentioning the ones that burn and make you sneeze) These people deserve a medal for actually cracking (no pun intended. I promise. really.) it. Maybe we Should elect druggies into office, they prove they have the brains for it.

Invisible

posted Monday, 26 June 2006

da da dum da dum da(whoa! I'm really off key, I'll shut up now)

You know how things are always vanishing? Like the other sock, and the bic pens, or the fresh chocolate chip cookies sis just made, or even refrigerators. (ok, I'll admit its not common, but it has defininitely happened in the doodle houshold) Nobodys sure where these things go to. According to some writers, its in an alternate universe completely inhabited by left socks. According to others theres actually a black hole that leads to a different planet, and thats how the socks make their daring escape. My theory is that they are actually here but they are just invisible.

Its the same idea when a person loses lots of weight. Take a guy who loses half his body (I just met a guy who actually lost half his body weight and looks like the magician with the saw really messed up bad). Where did the weight go? It cant have escaped to a different planet (at least not without causing a lot of pain and blood loss to the loser) So the only other conclusion I can draw is that its still there just invisible. Like when you bang a nail into a piece of wood. The space in the wood that is now occupied by a nail is just invisible, if not where else could those couple of centimeters of wood possibly be?

Time Travel and the No Pants Parade

posted Saturday, 24 June 2006
about this shabbos. sounds exciting doesnt it?


People have speculated for years about time travel. I am the 1st person to actually experience it first hand. Heres what happened. (no it didnt involve lightning bolts or half digested grilled cheese puking contests) I went to sleep at 12:30 friday night. (this is the cool part so pay attention) .I awoke at 11. I travelled back 1 1/2 hrs! Life really isnt that much different in the past. If only I could do it again. I think what caused it was the large quantity of dried guava I had b4 going 2 sleep.

Update.

posted Friday, 23 June 2006

Im not in the nevada desert. I didnt even get that lost. I just got on a couple of wrong trains, but I managed to get to were I wanted. I ended up catching the ride to boro park, catching the bus to williamsburg, catching the train to manhattan (dude! the willy metro card machines are in yiddish!) catching the train to flatbush, and missing my ride to jersey. And then missing another ride to jersey. The last ride I had wasnt gonna leave anytime before 2 am, so I had tons of time to kill. So I met up with some friends, and we spent some time hanging around flatbush. We're in shoprite and my friend points to a couple and says hey, you know yanki yanki rifki rifki" (for all those unfamiliar, on the wedding cd that made its way around, lipa sings yanki yanki rifki rifki, in a kevin lyttle song tune) "thats then over there" So I run to a shop rite cashier, borrow her pen, run over top the nearest cardboard box, rip off a corner, and corner them in the mouthewash aisle. Me : (slightly breathless) "excuse me are you yanki and rifki that lipa sings about?" Them: "uh- I think so." Me: "Awesome!Can I get you autograph?" After getting my autograph they give me theirs, and I run off all excited. Coincidentally, about 10 minutes later I bump into lipa himself in deli 52. Of course I make sure to get a pic with him. Even though the meeting was a total waste of time (and I mean total. Anything they said was mostly for the new counselors, and they could have sent it in a letter without making us all come to a meeting. Besides the head couselor and director werent even expecting me, since this was my 3rd year and I had nver shown up to any meeting in the past)at least I made up for it with an awesome autograph.

So far today.

posted Thursday, 22 June 2006

yada yada yada blah blah blah. hi

Its early afternoon now and so far I overslept, missed my train to manhattan, missed my ride to williamsburg, and am all set to miss my ride to boro park. In the summer I work at a special kids camp, and for some odd reason I have to go to a stupid staff meeting.(After a whole buncha summers there I did an awesome job, without ever going to meetings, but this year theyre making me, people these days) This camp meeting is what resulted in all these misses, and although I didnt have a chance to get lost yet, cuz I didnt get anywhere yet, but Im looking forward to getting really really lost. The last time I got so wonderfully lost, I was aiming for monsey and ended up in Boston. That was tons of fun. I'll try to keep you posted but I dont know if they have computers in middle of the nevada desert. If they do and I end up there I'l be sure to update.

From a Bathroom

posted Tuesday, 20 June 2006

Im updating from a bathroom. How cool is that? Steada reading boring fishing magazines I can update my blog.
Hmm, theres nothing really exciting happening here. Maybe I should stick with the fishing magazines. I wonder how they estimate toilets height. How do builders know if Im a tall person and I would have to double my feet over, or if Im a short person and my feet dangle over the edge? Nobody ever complains that their toilet doesnt fit. This bathroom has a average sized toilet.Room is small tho,& has gr8 echo.

Alternators, Booze, and Cartwheels

posted Friday, 16 June 2006

The doodle ABC's

Last night we decide to go to a wedding. 5 guys packed into Jay's elderly car, and off we went. On the way there it stalled on the highway a buncha times. Jay (with the help of his backseat drivers) figured that if he kept a foot on the gas and when he wanted to avoid speeding up put the car in neutral, we would be ok. We made it there ok.

The wedding was beautiful, the band awesome, the food delicious, and the drinks flowing. But I am proud to say, I was sober for the first wedding in a couple of years. (although this wasnt entirely by choice, someone drank my drinks, and I only had about 6 shots before then.) So I enjoyed the food and dancing instead. It was very nice.

So now we're heading back, Jay was way too gone to drive, and we had one guy who made sure not to drink at all. We couldnt have been going for more then a couple of minutes when we stalled. This sober guy had no clue how to do the neutral thing, so we couldnt go a block without stalling. So we let Jay take the wheel, he may be drunk but at least he could pull off the neutral thing. (the only other guy with stalling experience had just as much, or more to drink then he did) So we're going for a while and the engine decided it had enough and kaplooie, that was it. It wasnt gonna start again. So first thing we do is pop the hood. (mechanic of the group decided it was the alternator already, but it looks cool to pop the hood and lean over the engine with your sleeves rolled up) First person we call is chaveirim. (no, not a not prank call to pizza hut and see if theyll deliver to our location, that was second.) To entertain myself while we waited for chaverim, I started doing cartwheels back and forth across the intersection, whenever the light was red. Seeing the other rmotorists faces, It was as if theyd never seen someone cartwheel across a street at 2 am. After getting tired of that we decided to split up, some guys would stay with the car and some would jog around, exploring the wonderful neighborhood we happened to break down in.

To make a rather boring story a little more bearable, when we came back to the car ,chaveirim was already there. (the first non chasidish chaver that I'd ever seen) He helped us start the engine and advised us to do the netral thing. We thanked him, and he even followed us to make sure we were all right. The problem was as we approached the tollbooth. "Jay, dont get nervous, but we are approaching a toll booth. Its swarming with cops and if you stall they'll come over and smell the alcohol on your breath. Just keep calm and on the gas." Instructed the guy with the experience. "oh, I just remembered" said Jay, "I left my license in my other pants". "great, now we have DWI, and no license, I wonder what the fine for that is" anyway we made it without incident, although we breezed by inches from the cops curious nose. Thank g-d it didnt stall too many more times till we got pulled into the driveway. But we made it.

Ice Cream

posted Wednesday, 14 June 2006

I like ice cream. I like the cones. I like the popsicles. I like the bowl. I like the scoop out of tub. I even like deep fried ice cream. What I cant stand is ice cream trucks. How many times a day do I have to hear 'tinkle tinkle tinkle tnkley tinkley, tinkle tinkle tinkle tinkley" ? I assumed in our technologically advanced society some moron would have come up with something a little better then "tinkle tinkle etc." They did it in phones. Some guy decided meetings would sound better if broken up by 50 cent with real music then a bunch of boops and beeps that if you close your eyes, hold your nose and tilt your head sideways, actually sound a little like the song they are pretending to be. what would be the big deal to the same for the ice cream truck?

On an unrelated topic, if I was gonna have to go by car accident, my choice would definitely be getting run over by an ice cream truck. What more could you ask then the last thing you see are childrens happy faces, the last thing you hear is tinkley tinkle tinkle, and the last thing you smell is chocolate fudge creamsicles? It beats screeeeech! crunch! thump! any day.

I have a dream

That one day..... Nah just kidding.

I will not try not to make a habit of blogging my dreams for 2 reasons, 1. because they are always retardedly bizzarre, and would make any sane person lose his marbles and scramble down the hallway, frantically trying to gather then up with chopsticks. 2. because I would be spending hours every day typing up pages and pages, and that would leave me no time to sleep. This is an exception.

Last night I had a really weird one.They are always weird and vivid, but this one was a bit weirder. What was weird about it wasnt the content, what happened in the dream probably happens in most peoples dreams. The weird part that I was a woman; I thought like a woman as if it was normal. For example by the scary parts I just screamed, as if I couldnt control myself. (I never understood why women do that) And I reacted to things emotianally, I cant really explain it. What happened was that there was this cannibal lady who kidnapped my husband Bill, me and a handful of other victims. We were being held upstairs of a tv filming studio. She was eating us one by one.There was this celebrity who was going to appear on tv telling the world he cheated on his wife, and we were right there, waiting to be eaten. Then me and bill managed to overcome her,I got ahold of her gun but bill suffered some crititical injuries. (I think she bit his whole chest\stomach open, but my view was blocked during the biting)He told me to shoot him, so I shot him in the head and he thanked me and died. Then I turned the gun on the cannibal and after exchanging a teary eyed debate about her actions, shot her in the stomach. The other prisoners and I fell on her and started tearing off chunks of her flesh with forks. They hungrily devoured her, but the last thing that happened before I woke up, was me being totally revolted by the huge chunk of her stomach on my fork, and the other prisoners insisting that in order to make things right I had to eat my share.

Freaky, eh?

posted Monday, 12 June 2006

A Story

by doodle


Switcheroo Mystery

So I was coming back after a coffee break and I said to myself, "Bertrand, why is your office door open?" I put my hand on my holster and entered cautiously. A quick scan of my desk revealed that nothing was missing or moved. The drawers were all locked and my potted plant was still thriving. Then I saw it. I gasped in shock, because there sitting in my comfy leather chair was a small orange baby carrot.

"Oh dear" I moaned, and clasped my head in my hands. "What will I do? My worst fears were just realized. Someone has snuck into my office and turned me into a baby carrot. What do I do? What do I tell my wife? What do I tell my clients? They wont want to hire a private detective who was turned into a baby carrot. I must get to the bottom of this. I have a new case. I now must find out who did this dastardly deed and make him pay, or at least get the culprit to turn me back.

So as all good detectives know, I had to have suspects, and motives for the suspects, until I could pinpoint who it was. First I had to identify who had access to my office. Theres Calvin the custodian. He could have done it. He might've been really jealous of all my succesful cases I solved, and all my publicity. I can imagine him now, sneaking into my office, and venting all his frustrations at me by turning me into a ...... I cant even say what. So I wrote down Calvin in my suspect book. Who else? Oh Gabriella , my faithful secretary. She could have done it. She can come and go as she pleases, and she could be really mad at me for telling her off for talking so much. Why I dont think a minute goes by without me saying "Gab, could you please stop talking for a minute so I can remember my name." Yes, I see it now, she is tired of my verbal attacks, and resorted to an attack of her own for revenge. And Willy, my obnoxious brother-in-law, he could have done it for no other reason then the fact that he's obnoxious, and thats what obnoxious people do for fun, turn people into miniature vegetables. Straight into the suspect book for Willy. Gab would have let him in simply because he lets her talk.

Now I had my suspects, and its just a matter of time until I narrow it down to the one person responsible. I gingerly removed the carrot from my chair, to sit down and ponder this complex mystery. After a couple of minutes a thought hit me. "Hmm" I said "I can remember my own name, thats strange, why is my office so quiet? Oh right, I don't hear Gab babbling in the background. Thats strange. Certainly a first. I hope she didn't have a heart attack or something, and lying helpless on the floor, because I am not going to stop my case pondering for anything. Oh thats right, I gave her the week off. She is spending the week on a carribean beach vacation. I hope the seagulls have earplugs. I cant understand why she even needs a vacation, its not like she's gonna be resting her mouth any. Well at least I'm being vacationed from her. Thats a relief. Also its great for my case, because now I can cross her off my list. Theres no way she would be here if she's on the beach. And if she's not here then she couldnt have let Willy into the building, he must have found a different victim to turn into an amusing vegetable. So I crossed off Willy. I looked down at my list. Hmm, that leaves only one suspect, Calvin. "Calvin!" I called, "please come into my office for a minute." Calvin shuffled into my office clutching a feather duster. "Yes?" he asked. I got straight to the point. "Calvin, did you turn me into a carrot?" He looked me straight in the eye anbd said "no sir". "Do you know anything about anybody turning me into a carrot?" Again the answer was negative. "Ok, you can go now" I quickly added next to his name in the suspect book 'after heavy interrogation suspect denies everything, I think he's completely innocent'.

I put my hands in my arms and started bawling. I'll never be able to turn myself back into a private detective If I never found out who did it. When I finished my little crying session (all good detectives know that theres nothing like a good cry in middle of a hard case) I resigned myself to my fate and started cleaning up my cluttered drawers. Just then the phone rang. I picked it up, it was my wife. "Did you eat the lunch I left you?" she asked. "I left you a baby carrot on your chair for lunch. I hope you ate it because supper is a little burnt, and you know how the smother in ketchup thing doesnt work so well for ashes." "You left that carrot on my chair?!" I asked completely taken aback. "I though...... oh never mind. But why did you put it on my chair?" "I wanted to put in a place you wouldnt miss it" responded my ever so smart wife, ever so sweetly. I hung up the phone triumphantly, yet another case solved by the great Bertrand Wipple III ! I wasnt turned into a carrot after all. This was a case that was a worthy opponent. I can't wait to have kids who have kids, so I can tell them about the time I was turned into a carrot, and how I brilliantly busted the case wide open. This must be how the great Sherlock felt after solving another one of hiis elementaries, this must be how Einstien felt after equaling E and mc squared. I felt on top of the world. I got my closed sign, and hung it on my door. I was finished for today. My great brain was so hot it was close to short circuiting. I locked my office door (I double checked) and floated off down the street in a cloud of euphoria.

Dont Believe Anything Online

posted Wednesday, 7 June 2006

Just tried another one of those stupid online bomb recipes. You know, the one that promises instant Horishima, using bottle caps,matches and regular ingredients lying around your house. All this one did was melt my skiing gloves. (just the right one, cuz that was the one lighting the fuse) Atleast when it fizzled it had really pretty sparks. yay.