Friday, April 11, 2008

This Country

Now that I've been here in America for the last couple of weeks, I've had enough have had time to get over the initial shock. I've recovered enough to be able to interact with other humans, but occasionally I suffer a relapse. Apparently while I was gone the country was falling apart, but now that I'm back I've come to whip things back into shape. (While I'm here, based on the news I hear about Israel the country sounds like it needs me as well. It seems to be coming apart at the seams since my departure) Theres lots of changes to this country that I would suggest. Now since the president pretends he doesn't read my blog as was apparent from his lack of replying in President Bush: this one's for you it seems that we the ordinary citizens (even if you're not so ordinary, and have a wooden leg, a borat mustache and only dress in mustard yellow overalls. Which may be ordinary, except that you eat your food through your ears which is highly uncommon, at least says the surgeon general. Right Sarge?) have to take matters into our own hands. One thing we have to do away with is those automatic phone thingys. When I call a company I expect to reach a person and not have everyone in half mile radius be subjected to "Operator!"
"Okay pay bill, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back'.
"Go back. OPERATOR"
"Ok Mortgages, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back' "
"Okay aerator.... We don't sell aerators, please hold while we transfer you to the strange and and unusual farm and bathroom implement purchasing department...." STOP!" "Okay, transferring you to an operator. This is what I would classify as torture. In fact the UN would probably condemn the US if they ever tried interrogating prisoners by giving them phones and asking them to try to get hold of customer service. (all the CIA dudes get to snicker behind the one way glass, until the guy ends up trying to strangle himself with the cord or spills the beans) The way I propose we do this is an organized protest. Not the organized protest that is done in Israel. (although Israelis certainly have the right idea, their way simultaneously gets their point across very strongly and enables hours of endless fun. When else can you have high speed motorcycle and horse chases involving molotov cocktails and tear gas?) This protest is more peaceful for those Americans who think violence is no fun. All you gotta do is call a company every day, go through the whole annoyance to get to an operator and when you are finally connected, "Hello this is Jessica how may I help you?"
"Whats that sir?"
"Excuse me?"
" Aaaaah I hate these stupid voice activated computers. PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a computer"
"Sir what can I help you with?"
"You'd like to pay your bill?"
"Sir, I'm not a machine, I'm a person."
Eventually after companies (your call may be recorded for quality purposes) realize they are losing time on all the phone calls, they will see the error of their ways and do away with the whole machine thing. Thats just one of the many ways we can help improve our quality of life. Feel free to add your own.