Sunday, May 20, 2007

Stuff, no clocks

I havent updated in a couple of days cuz I havent had the time. On Thursday, (or maybe Wednesday, I really dont remember which. The day it poured. Sometime last week.) I had a great soccer game against a whole team of little kids. They were kicking a ball around in the street when I happened to be passing by, and I had to join. After a long tiring game, full of time outs("rechev!" - which means flatten yourself against the wall as the car whizzes by your nose, unless you don't wanna, which in that case you can just let the car run you over. They arent so picky in this part of the world) the game was called off on the account of flood watches(some drizzle. but it looked like menacing drizzle) and thunder in the distance. I lost but I managed to score 5 goals. (Since I was playing alone I had to be my own goalie, defense and offense) Then it started really raining. I put on a bathing suit and went dancing in the rain. (naked rain dancing is never recommended in certain parts of the world where they very often have heavy stones, short tempers,and a low tolerance for that sorta thing.) Lots of people followed suit and some friends got hold (No I have no clue how and dont wanna know from where) of a boat and rowed down one of the big flooded streets in the area.
Sometime that day(or maybe the next day. It might've been thursday, but I refuse to keep track of days anymore, its enough that I remember what year we're in, and my date of birth) I decided to get into free running. (also known as parkour. Its an extreme sport that involves running, jumping, climbing and other moves people gave all sorts of cool names to like 'kong' or 'tic-tac' . If you never heard of it do search for it on youtube, and watch some parkour vids.Ok? now stop looking at me like that. Its popular all over the world, so I'm not coming up with anything new here.)My neighborhood's buildings are perfect to climb on.
Shabbos(I know it was shabbos because of the whole 'no driving, or putting on lights' thing. And because of shabbos food. I'm smart like that.) I was in Modiin.(not moshav, the city modiin) Nice place, and I had an awesome time. I went to a family that I met in meron who's tent was right next to ours.
Sunday (definitely sunday, cuz its today, and since tommorow is monday, I used a little of my brilliant deductive reasoning that helped me so many times in the past, to deduce that today is sunday)I burnt down a lawn. After, I went to dor yesharim. Thats an organization that takes your blood and tests it (my blood failed in the algebra section.) Its very cool to watch your blood pour out into little tubes. (not as a past time, but if you're doing it anyway,check it out)
Interestingly, since my last two posts were about dying, my google ad on the side which 'reads' my blog (its crazy. these machines do everything. Pretty soon they're gonna be able to type your blog for you too) has been advertising for life insurance and name-a-star-after-a-dead-loved-one companies. I wonder what theyll advertise for this time.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

On clocks and stuff

Yesterday a friend of mine called to tell me he was engaged. He's very young (younger then me)and it was really shocking. Scary actually. It makes you realize that no one is safe. It can happen to anyone, regardless of age or race or color. Someone could be in perfect health one second, minding his own business and all of a sudden two weeks later he's having a vort. Our existence is a lot more fragile then we believe. Anyway, the vort was nice. (It had alcohol. Thats what counts)
On the subject of death,(people have some sort of problem discussing it in the first place, dismissing such talk as being too 'morbid')well, death is great. At least compared to the alternative- not dying. Imagine if you didn't die. Horrible, no? For example (to illustrate my point for those who need things drawn out for them. Get it? Illustrate- draw. A pun. ho ho ho. You'd think they outlawed those things years ago along with cocaine, but then comes along someone like me and just spits one out, with total wantonness, and bursts your little bubble about anti-pun laws. Oh well. Theres one in every crowd. What can you do? Now what was I saying? right, for example) take a clock. (no don't take a clock, put it right back were you got it. now straighten it. ok. a little more to the left. ok good.)On a clock is a second hand. It ticks along every second. Just goes and goes. Tick tock tick tock. (although it doesnt really make a tick tock noise, its more like ti tu, for the sake of this example we're gonna stick with it)The poor second hand has a hard life. He's (can be a she but in this particular clock its a he. I dont want any complaints from the equal clock hand rights society. Ok? )gotta always keep on moving every second, never getting bored of going round and round. ("aww man, is that a 12 again? I just saw one of those, last time around") But if you think his life is rough, check out the minute hand. His is even worse. He's gotta do the same rotations, but slower. So he spends more time thinking "3....3....3.....3....3" until eventually he gets to go "ok finally. 4.....4....4....." But that life can be worse. What about the hour hand. He gets stuck for hours on each number, and he's gotta make the same eternal rotations the rest of them do. Poor guys, right? Now consider the battery. He just sits in the back of the clock for a while. He's making the whole clock go. Granted he's gotta work hard, and keep his electricity running, but he has the satisfaction of making everything just keep on going. Day after day. Until he dies. Then he has completed his purpose, enabled the timepiece to be on time. (As a result of that, lots of people suceeded in not getting themselves fired, or pissing off their spouses.)He gets an honorable burial and goes off to spend his afterlife in his happy place. (wherever good dead batteries go. Wherever it is, its gonna have to be in a different landfill then the regular trash. Apparently lawmakers were worried about battery acid leaking onto regular garbage and hurting it a little) Meanwhile back at the clock, a different, younger,and fresher battery has replaced him and is putting all he can into the clock. Second, Minute and Hour are still making their rounds, grumbling to themselves, "Will this ever end?"

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Buttered Bread

Its quite common to say that bread always lands on the buttered side. The people who say it can't know that for sure, cuz they arent around every time someone drops a buttered slice of bread. I decided to make an experiment to see if it would at least happen when I try it. So I buttered a slice of bread and flipped it into the air ten times. It landed (with a sploosh noise) on the buttered side nine out of ten times. Which disproves the whole "it always lands on the buttered side" theory. However it did prove that it happens more often then not. I was wondering what causes it. First I figured that it must be gravity that pulls the heavier side with the butter downward and it lands that way. Then I realized it cant be gravity, cuz butter (even if it would be a couple of pounds of butter) wouldn't change the weight of the bread, it'd still have the same weight and it'd fall on whichever side is on the bottom when it hits the ground. Then I figured it must be that when butter is placed on bread the bread on the side without the butter absorbs some sort of magnetism from the butter and it pushes itself down on top of the buttered side. Therefore, it would be reasonable to assume that if you would butter bread on both sides it would hover indefinitely (or at least until the butter falls off, or gets eaten by passing birds)in the air. I havent tested this theory out yet, but I'l let you know the results when I do.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Death Pics

The other day I went to the cemetery. Just to do a favor for someone. He needed a minyan for a yahrtzeit or something. Heres some pics that I took that I think are nice.

I have discovered that although blogger makes the pics small you no longer have to use your imagination to imaging what the picture looks like with all the detail!You can click on it to see it full size. And I figured this out all on my own!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007


In case you havent noticed, I have installed ads. Or rather ad. I wanted to do a bunch, but for two very important reasons I didn't. Reason number one is I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to. I was just clicking on different random stuff until I got lucky with the first one. Reason number two is that I figured people would get overwhelmed with choices and out of frustration just chuck their computers out the window (or worse click on none of the choices)Therefore there is only one little ad.
Theres a click registerer (a word I created here to mean: something that registers er)that tells me that there are a total of four clicks. One of them was me. (although I clicked "I agree" when they asked me if I agree not to click on my own ads, I saw something that interested me and my schizo self felt I was being advertised to)The other clicks was from me asking others to click ("oooh, check it out, if you click on that word thing, made out of letters, the computer prints out free rolling paper and a gift certificate to your local drug dealer" that worked on 3 people apparently) Basically ever since those few clicks, no one else has clicked. ("hey dude, theres no rolling paper here, not even a little, thats not cool. I think I'm gonna go sniff the printer ink") I'm not gonna beg, (not yet. If no one clicks I may have to get down on my knees, clasping my hands together, with a sprig of parsley in each ear, and howl like a wolf caught in a bear trap on the train tracks at rush hour) (For those of you with adblock, the mere fact that you have it shows that you are computer savvy enough download the program and actually figure out how to use it. Therefore its understandable to assume that you are also able to exclude my blog from the program and enable the ad to be seen) but why wouldnt you? Its not a really big deal, all you gotta do is while you're reading these words (and I KNOW you're reading them cuz right now you're reading this. Cool, huh? "aaah get out of my head!" tee hee)move your mouse hand to your mouse, then move your mouse over to the tiop right corner and click. (your hand eye coordination does not have to exceed 'can tie own shoes' level to accomplish this simple task.) This can be repeated every time you click on this site, or every time you happen to have a second to spare. (if you are the kind of person with never a split second to spare, I would like to take this opportunity to inform your boss that I have caught you breathing on the job when not during an official coffee break and when you are fired you'll have all the time you need)Thank you. and Baie dankie, Shukran,Toda,Muhuway su,Bakhshish,Doh je,Zikomo,Durdaladawhy, Lac jak, Xisrigidisddhinh, Daarim,Ic þancas do, Abumgang, Merci,Tashakkur, Kiitos, Mahalo, Shukriya, Gum xia, Köszi, Go raibh maith agaibh, Arigato, Rahmet, Asanteni, Komapsumnida, Gracias, Gratias tibi ago, Achiu, Dank, Spasibo, Natejchiri.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Lag B'omer

Shabbos was amazing. Lag Biomer in Meron is awesome. Thursday we camped in Tiveria next to the kinneret. Friday we went to amuka, tzfat and then to meron. It was unbelievable how many people were there over shabbos. There were tents in every spare patch of ground, and tentless people sleeping between tents on the ground. This is were we parked our tent.

This is a picture of the faucets they had to dispense hot and cold drinks. They obviously assume everyone can read hebrew. I feel bad for the guy who tried to wash a stain off his shirt and used the fruit punch knob.

The front entrance to the kever of R' Shimon bar yochai.

a buncha people inside.(before lag b'omer, before the rush)


the fire (nobody was roasting marshmallows)

a random pic

Thursday, May 3, 2007


Me. I'm famous. Not famous like the guy who jumped head first off a tall building and lived long enough to send in the video to guinness book of world records. Not even as famous as the guy who won the annual hot dog eating contest. (who isnt really so famous, I'l prove it. Whats his name? See? Toldya. Not really so famous. But at least hes known as the guy who won the annual hot dog eating contest.And the nurses in the stomach pumping wing are definitely good pals with the regulars.)I'm on youtube. I put on a short video clip, just to see if I can do it. (in case you were wondering, I can and it wasnt even that complicated! I did it all myself and didnt have to count anything on my fingers or use a calculator. I'm so proud of me.) It was a short clip starring me. (Now I'm nominated in the best actor, best supporting actress, and best job holding camera without sneezing, scratching, or in anyways moving while holding camera, categories.)Anyway it turns out that lots of people started forwarding it and now its got gazillions of views. Random people have came over to me and asked if it was me doing such stupid things on film. (to which I replied by pulling out a coin on a string, waving it back and forth in front of their eyes saying 'you are getting sleepy, very sleepy, you dont remember anything about a video,when you wake up you will think you are a potato doing a back flip. when you land youll go sploosh and then be swept up by an old lady who enjoys potato kugel, and pours eggs and oil all over you and slides you into the oven for 45 minutes on 350.' *snap) Nobody asked me for my autograph (but thats because everyone knows that potatoes cant talk, splooshed or unsplooshed) but I still feel famous.
This sunday is lag biomer. Therefore I'm going to be headed to meron with a tent. I'm leaving in an hour and we're gonna be camping out for the next couple of days.
Its supposed to be a real fun party. I'l let you know. (or if I lean to close to a fire to pick up a fallen marshmallow and I fall in, I unfortunately wont be able to update, so youre gonna have to pretend I did if I do, thanks for your cooperation)