Monday, October 12, 2009

I haven't learned chinese yet either

Take a look at all these comments. I have no idea in what language they are written or what they mean. I am very curious. If you know what language it is, or what they mean, please let me know in a language I know. If you are the people or person writing the comments, Hi, how are you? Welcome to this blog. I write in English. Occasionally I throw in a little Hebrew or Yiddish. Once in a blue moon some French or Spanish, and I think I might have dropped an Aramaic word once. Either way, please feel free to respond in kind, the way I write. (making a minimal amount of sense, but in pretty understandable words. You don't have to try typing from a moving motorcycle like I do sometimes, as long as the end result is the same. Use a moving Elephant if thats the medium of choice in the country you originate from. Really, I'm not picky.) Thanks for listening, love doodle.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Not In Hawaii

Nope I'm not in Hawaii. If I receive another accusation of such, I may just actually go just to avoid further accusations. I haven't updated in what seems like years. This wouldn't seem to bother me much except that today I was googling for some random necessary information (google totally rocks) and I encountered one of my old blog posts. I sat down and read a few months of my really old posts, completely surprised that I had almost no recollection of most of the events that transpired back then. I decided right on the spot that I must blog for I am forgetting precious bits of my life. Quite entertaining bits of my life.
However, as I finally attempt to do jot down some of my thoughts I notice that I do not seem to remember what has taken place over the last few months. (I still dont wear a watch and if someone tries to inform me what year we are in I always put my fingers in my ears and say "alalalalalalalalalalal" until they go away. I try not to waste precious space in my brain for things as trivial as the time or date.) I do remember some things that has happened. For example, I do know that after two trials my sentence consists of community service. (Actually my plea bargain. And if I complete another additional 6 months of good behavior it gets erased from my criminal record completely!) I have finally completed the necessary hours and I'm sure the community is much better off. (Bah, the stupid justice system in this goshdurned country) I still have to get a letter sent to the judge or it doesn't qualify. Also I have hiked around the USA a bit. Or quite a lot. I've done some long distant hikes, the most notable was a bit more then 50 miles in one day. Starting at 6 am and hiking until somewhere around 9 in the evening. At the moment I'm wishing to go Israel for the chag, but it doesnt seem to be happening. I do carry my passport around, just in case.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fighting Swine Flu The Easy Way

Sleep. Thats the easy way. I don't think there IS an easier way than just sleeping. Thats what I did. I slept for two days and when I awoke my swine flu was gone. I'm sure theres gonna be a vaccine to allow your immune system to do what it was about to do any way, or perhaps some sorta natural healing process, involving copious quantities of strong smelling herbs applies to various limbs and orifices, but where I come from sleep is considered the easier alternative. Also there are no side effects. Nothing permanent or noticeable anyway. I do recall a quite vivid hallucination in which I struggled with three angels for possession of my blanket while they beat me in the face with their wings and I attempted to get warm, but I think that was a result of the 103 plus body temperature, not the sleeping cure. Sleeping seems to be the safe, affordable and mildly entertaining way to beat swine flu. Good luck.
(the above statements were not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. If those tushy faces disagree with any of the above then they obviously need extreme help with their reading comprehension as it is quite obvious that nothing in the above is intended to diagnose, prevent, mitigate, treat or cure the 2009 H1N1 influenza virus. And furthermore, I stand behind my assessment of the FDA being tushy faces, and I'd like to amend that I feel you guys are GIANT tushy faces. You no longer deserve the regular tushy face status any longer. Grow up a bit, you giant tushy faces.)

Friday, May 15, 2009

How to hack into the department of defense and override their computer systems without getting caught

Yes, its possible. A little birdy let it slip to me that the password of today just happens to be "H1N1 is for the pigs". To the pentagon pencil pushers: prepare perilous plight platitudes, people plunder panic.

(the above is simultaneously a test to see if the country has improved its security since last time I checked, and an attempt to rally those How To sites to fill in the information that seems to be lacking on google's all inclusive search engine.)

In other news, it seems the word that I created a while ago "goorit" was added to a dictionary.

A measure of time equal to 60 hours.

It is often easier or more accurate to speak of goorits than to say "two or three days" or "about half a week".
"I'll come back and pick up my order in a goorit. Can you have it ready by then?"

"Minutes are to seconds as goorits are to hours."
Thanks to whoever emailed me about it, and whoever added it. Its quite inspiring to see that the English language evolves to fill its needs, and its even cooler to be a part of it.

The updates are slow, mostly due to me bouncing around, having fun, and occasionally getting in trouble with the law. If that bothers you I suggest you write to your local congressman to relax gun restriction and other pointless laws a bit. If that letter goes against any of your morals or beliefs, you can try asking for internet access in prisons for the inmates. This way if I ever end up in jail (well obviously thats pretty far fetched, they'd have to prove to a jury of my peers that I am indeed guilty of something, the charges would have to be for something that would involve jail time, and a judge would have to be willing to sentence me. All of which is highly unlikely. Not to mention that they'd have to catch me first. But if all the above actually happened on some alternative universe, perhaps one where people were logical to some extent) then I'd be able to update from behind bars. If you are still worried about prisoners having access to internet (you're some sorta sadist or something?) , or maybe you just don't like writing letters, at least bake me a cake. But no file. Not until you've sent cakes every day and they stop checking the cakes. They have x-ray machines these days. Remember that. Also, I like chocolate, with frosting.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


Over the last many goorits (or even many months) I've been doing lots of traveling. I have drove thousands and thousands of miles, I have flown thousands and thousands more. The world is a huge place. I have accomplished much on my travels. I have put ani tapuach stickers on the backs of live gators in the Florida everglades , and escaped with all my limbs intact. (although in the case of the particularly feisty one, barely)I've acquired some new scars. I now have a warrant out for my arrest in the entire state of Indiana. (they have to catch me first, ha!) I've detonated small amounts of dynamite under piles of compost. I filed a lawsuit against US airways. I survived in middle of nowhere by catching fish with my bare hands. I have met long lost relatives in places I didn't even know that people even live. I have discovered the name of my favorite donut. I caught the flu and took a few days off traveling to eat and sleep. Now its back on the road, time to hit the trail cowboy. Later.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Yeah yeah

I'm aware that I'm supposed to be updating, the problem is that its not like its a simple task. I would love to be able to type my thoughts onto this electronic paperistic thing in front of me and have them appear on my screen. I would love to be able to do so whenever my thoughts pour out of my head in fuzzy fountains like the slurpee machine that got its vat punctured by an errant shot gun blast. Thick sweet frothy and cold, all over the floor. Sorta like the exact opposite of a volcano but just as harmful and serious. Especially if you own the place and just mopped it. Your day would've been hunky dory until this unfortunate incident. Only one or two unruly teens, easily dispatched with a quick cry of "ID, ID, you must shew me iedee okay?" You probably only had your couch and the decision which flavor 6-pack you'd be bringing home on your mind, now your entire existence thrown into total disarray by some punk with a 12 gauge and a grudge. Or perhaps a hunger for some cash and bad aim. Either way the floor will never be quite the same clean as it was this morning. The point is updating only sounds like a simple walk in the park if you havent actually walked a mile in the park. Once you have, you discover the lions and tigers that roam the park after dark. And the muggers, oh yes mustn't forget the muggers. They have rights too, you know.
Anyway, lately I've been traveling the globe and have not been meticulous in my updating schedule. As I continue to travel I see more new sights, and think more new thoughts. I continue to progress with my goal of cartwheeling in every state, country and continent on earth, but its not going as fast as I would like. Thousands of miles have been covered and thousands more to go, "Press on, for today is a new day, live, for that day is but a short one." -Quote from some really famous guy who needed to get some more air in his diet.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Today they have come up with a new way to teach kids how to text. Some quite intelligent people at Leap Frog obviously decided that kids these days need help texting. I wonder what went on in that boardroom. The guy who first introduced the idea was probably fumbling with his cellphone while his colleague pointing at pie-charts with a pointer, until some kind fellow was like,
"Hey Frank, is everything ok?"
"Yeah Stan, its just that my young kid has not stopped texting me today, besides for not being able to comprehend the SMS Language, I cant seem to figure out how to respond."
"Me neither, these cell phone texting gadgets are beyond me. I don't know how kids do it."
"Hey, that gives me a stompin good idea! Why dont we create something for kids to learn how to text at a really young age?"
This idea was probably considered pretty grand by the rest of the marketing team, although there was definitely that one guy who said something like, "Uh guys, aren't we missing something important here?" But was quickly shut up by one of the more senior members of the company.
This kind of toy just proves something that I've been saying for years about all these wonderful toys for kids they have these days in general. All the advertisements tout things like 'Will teach your kids essential hand-eye coordination', or 'Don't allow your baby to fall behind, during the early stages of motor skill development its imperative that children have the proper toys to play with'. The funny thing is that parents believe what they read, because the printed word sounds so convincing. Despite the fact that kids have been growing up fine for thousands of years without the aid of huge plastic computer-modeled toys with loud noises and flashy lights. All of a sudden comes along this great new toy with all the expert's opinions written all over the box, and every parent is instantly purchasing the newest ADD inducing monstrosity that some smart cookie, (who obviously never suffered with those toys himself as a kid) created for the specific purpose of pushing the company stock higher. The greatest athletes, scientific minds, and squeegee men of the past all got to where they are today without the aid of 'educational' toys. The same parents who buy them, also managed to 'develop' normally when they were kids and somehow don't seem to have any major deficits in any motor skills. This combined with the high ADD ADHD numbers lately, leads me to believe that perhaps old fashioned toys are better suited for children's development.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Memo to President

Dear President Obama,

I'm sure you're as big a fan of this blog as your predecessor President Bush was. During your campaign I heard all about change, change and change. So far you've been president for about a week now, and despite all the promises of change, absolutely NOTHING has been done about this extreme cold weather we are experiencing lately. I look forward to the change you promised. I warmly thank you.

P.S Now that Guantanamo Bay inmates are slated for release, it is only logical that Jonathan Pollard will be next. Thanks again.

Friday, January 9, 2009


Sixty seconds is one minute, sixty minutes is one hour, sixty hours is a...?
Why oh why is there no word for this important number? I have to make one up. What about a Goorit? How often have you wanted to say "Hey, I'll give you a call in a goorit" Or "You wouldn't believe, my plane was delayed for at least two goorits. We sat on the runway until I was arrested for assaulting the pilot. I spent another goorit and a half in jail. But at least not another minute or second in that death trap on the runway"
From now on, instead of saying "Your stuff will be ready in 2.39 days, or 60 hours", you can get off real easy with a "Be back in a goorit". Hows that for saving you time patience and sanity? You're welcome. Feel free to use it whenever you'd like. Its also convenient for people who like to use words that haven't made it to the dictionary until the upcoming year printing. Everyone will respect you at the dinner party when you pull that little gem out of your hat. (although from experience the more real gems you pull out of hats at dinner parties the more respect and seconds on dessert people shower you with) Really.