posted Monday, 11 December 2006
Todays headline said something about Israels defense Minister saying that Syria preparing for war so Israel is getting ready.Everybody I talk to seems to feel that a war will happen any day. (also everyone I seem to talk to was practically a general in the army, its like this whole country is full of generals) If there is a war I think we should all prepare as well. Israel isnt the only country that would be involved, so here are a few pointers what to do in the advent of war.
- Share the wealth. If you hear something that sounds like an approaching nucleur warhead, be nice and inform your neighbors. This way you can all panic and run down the street together. (this wont accomplish much but whoever survives can laugh about it later)
- Go to the store and stock up in umbrellas.Hundreds of em. This way youll start a run on the umbrellas. And while everyone is busy punching each other out over them, you make off with all the duct tape and bottled water.
-Do not be one of those sounding-the-false-alarm people. Its not funny, and this time I'm gonna be leading the angry lynching mob this time.
-Take ballet lessons. Then if the enemy comes to shoot you theyll be laughing so hard that youll have time to twirl away fast on your toes.
-Change all your cash into something valuable. Just in case your government gets blown up and the currency isnt worth anything. Maybe bullets. Theyll probably be in high demand. (and are much more fun to break then a 50)
-Get some earplugs. As long as the bombs arent falling on your bed you still need a good nights sleep.(you'll check the dresser the next morning, right now you still have a bed, go right back to sleep.)
-Also stock up in laffy taffies. The jokes will keep everyone in the bomb shelter amused, and food is always a good idea. As a bonus if someone accidentally eats your earplugs, you can always wad up some taffy and wedge it in your ear. (be sure to use a flavor you dont like that much)
-Start a telemarketing company. You're probably going to be spending the a lot of time indoors, and theres not many better ways to take peoples minds off an approaching missile then a bunch of annoying questions about their mortgage.
-Make a potato gun. For directions and reasons, see previous post entitled "a call to arms".
-If your country starts a mandatory draft for all men women and children between the ages of 3 and 75, lie and say that youre 76. When you're about to be hung for treason, inform them that you were mistaken, really you're 2. Then when their faces are purple with rage, volunteer to join the army. (someone has to keep the draft officers from getting bored during war time)
-If your country loses the war, wait and see if its a good government acting in replacement. If the new country does something smart like rounding up all the whiney pop stars and shooting the lot, then you can sing the new national anthem with pride.(first learn the language or you may get yourself shot for treason) If they do something stupid like abolishing macaroni and cheese, then run around early in the morning tossing moldy cabbages on the doorsteps of people in charge until they get the messages. (if you prefer to do something more drastic, thats your choice, I'm just giving you the safe way)
-Lastly, buy a bottle of champagne, if you survive the war- you'll have something to celebrate with. If not then someone can drink it in your memory. (its a big zchus.really. ask your rabbi if you dont believe me)