posted Monday, 10 July 2006
Being old, (now that I am you know) I feel I have to bestow some tips of how to attain long life upon y'all. Just to sorta spread the wealth around.
1) Never, and I mean never insult the guy with the gun.
2) pull your own rip cord
3)when faced with the choice of giving the finger or giving some extra gas, go for the gas
4)resist the urge to look down
5)the way to check if the train is coming is not by putting your ear to the track
6)obey dont walk signs, or just run very fast
7)a good time to stretch is not right when you emerge from a helicopter
8)make sure to learn how to cry for help in every language
9)keep crazy glue far away from all your orifices
10)when in doubt, duck
11)if your gonna be frying your burgers on an electrified fence, make sure you wear rubber gloves
12)take the photo OUTSIDE the lion cage
13)never get between an old cranky man and the remote
14)although it sparkles very prettily, drop it after you light the fuse
15)if you're gonna walk through a minefield, bring along a dog and a long leash
16)youll never get your face on a hundred, so dont even think of trying the kite in lightning experiment
17)contrary to popular belief, people cant fly. even with a bright cape or flapping your arms very hard. trust me.
18)that warning sharks sign, is for you not them. they cant read, and wouldnt be intimidated even if they could
19)do not attempt to trip a steamroller by sticking out your foot
20)if the elevator cable snaps, climb on top of the fat guy
21)that thing in the back isnt a giant bong, its called an exhaust pipe
22)saying sorry wont stop an angry mob. run.
23)jackhammers do not make good bathtub toys
24)theres no need to check, crocodiles dont floss, I assure you.
25)ammonia may taste great in salad, but itd be beneficial for you to avoid it.
26)when playing golf with a beginner, wear a helmet and a cup
27)do not take a bull by the horns, or by the tail, or by any other body part. the only place you should take a bull is by surprise.
28)do not scratch an itch with a running chainsaw. try to avoid using an idle chainsaw as well.
29)If youre gonna be an astronaut (not a good career choice if you wanna live long) make sure you use the bathroom before you leave earth. you never know what the oxygen level is in public restrooms on other planets.
30)always keep a fire extinguisher handy, even if theres no fire they can be used as good bug sprays.
I hope all of you manage to abide by my rules of long life. if you have any others to add feel free to add em below.