posted Monday, 10 July 2006
Being old, (now that I am you know) I feel I have to bestow some tips of how to attain long life upon y'all. Just to sorta spread the wealth around.
1) Never, and I mean never insult the guy with the gun.
2) pull your own rip cord
3)when faced with the choice of giving the finger or giving some extra gas, go for the gas
4)resist the urge to look down
5)the way to check if the train is coming is not by putting your ear to the track
6)obey dont walk signs, or just run very fast
7)a good time to stretch is not right when you emerge from a helicopter
8)make sure to learn how to cry for help in every language
9)keep crazy glue far away from all your orifices
10)when in doubt, duck
11)if your gonna be frying your burgers on an electrified fence, make sure you wear rubber gloves
12)take the photo OUTSIDE the lion cage
13)never get between an old cranky man and the remote
14)although it sparkles very prettily, drop it after you light the fuse
15)if you're gonna walk through a minefield, bring along a dog and a long leash
16)youll never get your face on a hundred, so dont even think of trying the kite in lightning experiment
17)contrary to popular belief, people cant fly. even with a bright cape or flapping your arms very hard. trust me.
18)that warning sharks sign, is for you not them. they cant read, and wouldnt be intimidated even if they could
19)do not attempt to trip a steamroller by sticking out your foot
20)if the elevator cable snaps, climb on top of the fat guy
21)that thing in the back isnt a giant bong, its called an exhaust pipe
22)saying sorry wont stop an angry mob. run.
23)jackhammers do not make good bathtub toys
24)theres no need to check, crocodiles dont floss, I assure you.
25)ammonia may taste great in salad, but itd be beneficial for you to avoid it.
26)when playing golf with a beginner, wear a helmet and a cup
27)do not take a bull by the horns, or by the tail, or by any other body part. the only place you should take a bull is by surprise.
28)do not scratch an itch with a running chainsaw. try to avoid using an idle chainsaw as well.
29)If youre gonna be an astronaut (not a good career choice if you wanna live long) make sure you use the bathroom before you leave earth. you never know what the oxygen level is in public restrooms on other planets.
30)always keep a fire extinguisher handy, even if theres no fire they can be used as good bug sprays.
I hope all of you manage to abide by my rules of long life. if you have any others to add feel free to add em below.
11 comments:
Thanks so much now I look forward to a long lasting life ad meiah veesrim. Now if you don't mind I have one to add. Rabbi Rietti gave a speech on prolonging life he said if you go to the bathroom as soon as you gotta go you will live longer. Thougt that was important to add.
yup, (u could even sorta put it in under a sub category of 29)
31) resist the urge to run your index finger around the rim of a newly can-opened can (as tempting as it is)
32)make sure the blade is clean first (i cant take credit for that but a friend of urs can..)
really sw? many of us have shortened out lives drastically then..
-it doesn't matter what the guy on tv did; don't -nor will tickling a pissed-off bouncer increase your chances of old age. -don't eat the sandwich you found floating in the toxic waste barrel- even if it's baloney -never look a gift lion in the mouth -drinking liquid cement will not cure diarrhea -contrary to popular belief; cannibals aren't vegeterians. - liquid nitrogen will not bring down your fever. -nor will napalm cure you of the chills. - never cut your nails with the hedge trimmer -don't suntan in a blast furnace. -although it might look cool, don't use sand bags as waterfloats. -umbrellas are futile during an air raid. -eating razorblades will not give you the iron your body need. -no matter how silly his outfit looks, don't make fun of the drunken wrestler. -nuclear warheads should never take the place of a football -lobotomies are not designed to be self given. (especially with a pickax) -psychopathic murders resent being called cuckoo.
thanks. with all our wonderful tips, the average life span will increase immensly. hooray!!
Never eat yellow snow.
Thanks for all of this advice. I've always dreamed of being an astronaut, so this is a great tip that I may use. Don't worry - I'll give all the credit to u. And celly, i used to eat yellow snow when I was a kid. And black snow. And sand. And those smiley stickers your teacher gives you for being good. Yum.
- don't floss with that wriggly, skinny, hissing thing you found in the wetlands
- when it says 'wet paint' they usually mean it. dont know why we're all so tempted to plant a palm on it to be sure..
-wash your hands well after changing dirty diapers. nay, *scrub* them with ajax and soak in ammonia for a bit. the virus' one picks up from them are reeeeally not pleasant. /experience
-do not concoct a mouthwash from the bottles-with-skull-labels found under the kitchen sink
-OD'ing on childrens tylenol will only give you a bad stomachache (tho knocking urself out with benadryl works wonders)
-wear a welders helmet if need be, but stand ten feet away from a baby's diaper when he's being changed. no matter if he's just wet the one he's currently in, guaranteed he'll be a regualar fountain of youth when he gets the chance
shalva- tissues too. especially when you have a contest with ur sister to see who can eat a whole one+
over my head. kinda like dilbert. lil bro laughed though.
Hey on the radio I heard ways of prolonging your life how cool is that. What I remember: Don't watch tv in the kitchen b/c you will overeat. Don't eat the fatty sides dishes at the restaurant. Don't remember the rest but how wierd that e/t had to do with food.
flor-i think the reason why we always touch the wet paint is probably b/c we're humans who have no trust. we have to find out 4 ourselves. "is it really wet" & "how abt now" "i wonder if it dried yet" the interesting thing is, had there been no sign the paint would have been allowed 2 dry completely unmolested.
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