Back within the grasp of uncle sam

and his tight knuckly fingers(for now). I tried to ignore the airport to make it go away. Everyone knows that if you ignore something eventually it goes away. Without an airport I'd be forcing myself to stay in a country other than the one I type this from. Unfortunately, the common problem with airports is that they are large and noisy and quiet hard to ignore, especially when you are sitting inside it waiting for your flight. Not to mention that the planes are rather hard to miss.

Holy Land

I just landed in Israel. Ukraine was tons of fun. While I was there I toured the country, learned to read and write Russian and was kidnapped and tortured for a few days until I managed to escape- it was awesome. (Thats one of the longer stories, if I write a book, maybe I'll include a chapter )
Sukkos in Israel is always a barrel of fun. The kind of barrel that contains you, two cats, a parakeet and a drunk porcupine. Rolling down a bumpy hill during a tornado. With a dozen eggs in your pocket. Some ketchup on your face. And a smile.

Ukraine

I'm in Ukraine right now. For no reason. A friend of mine was like "Dude, lets go to Ukraine!" And I was like "Ok." So we bought tickets and two hours later grabbed a backpack and hopped on to a plane. (and then we hopped off. It was the wrong plane. Then we hopped on the right plane. But with the other foot. Hopping that much is real painful. Especially up and down stairs. And escalators. And over baby carriages that you were 100% sure were empty, until the mother angrily threatens to remove your head. And shes not kidding.) I'm probably gonna be here for a week or so. But who knows. Planning is for the kind of elderly people who don't like skateboarders and are very vocal about it. So far I've been here for a day. (Yom kippur in Ukraine should be a change from last year, when I spent it in a desert.) To those of you trying to contact me my Ukranian cell phone number is (If dialing from USA first dial 011 380) 63 240 7950. (If you're werent trying to contact me those numbers are the combination on a top secret swiss vault that contains a delicious carrot blueberry pie. Shelf life approximately a month. Find it and feast, or be doomed to live a life with the fact that you blew a chance to open the safe before it spoiled.) Thats all for now. Nazdiravyeh.

Gotta run but..

Now that the summer is over, and I actually have a few seconds to breath, (blue? me? Oh I thought that was a tan) I can pause the breathing for a second to update. Camp was a blast. Not because of mini sticks of dynamite being placed in all sorts of strategic locations,(although they certainly helped)but just cuz. I wish I can remember all that transpired in the last month, but alas I was occupied with having the fun and had no time to record it for posterity. I only remember the one time I overdosed on wasabi, (I'm talking more than a pint. Way more) simply because I wasn't having as much fun as I was having the rest of the summer. (The eating part was fun, I mean the effects- shivering and sweating simultaneously for an hour, while intestines and stomach sizzle and smoke.) One of my important accomplishments,that I'm very proud of, which took me over the whole summer to finish, was my successful completion of a Big Bruiser 4.2 oz jawbreaker. Besides for that the rest is a big happy blur of dynamite, sun, water and life. (hi reb y!! 'tishim vitaisha bakbukai bira al hakir, tishim vtaisha bakbukim, echad nafal chaval al hakahal, tishim vshmone bakbukai beera al hakir')

Savlanut

I'm aware that I haven't updated in a while. Unfortunately I haven't been able to post as often as I would like. Not because I don't want to, or because I don't have things to share, but simply because G-d controls the world and I am merely a puppet who bounces around doing the bidding of the Lord while being completely not in control of my destiny or blog updates. Things, usually very odd things, happen to me very often and although these bizarre occurrences make interesting stories and their tellings are sure to brighten up any boring dinner party -they don't allow me much time to type up my memoirs. (you try typing while the earmuffs you are wearing are being chewed on by a yak, or your computer succumbs to the horrible pressure at the bottom of the ocean floor- with no computer tech dude on the entire submarine.) This post is the official savlanut reminder. Dedicated to all the death threats and kicks in the pants that I have been receiving lately. You have all been hanging in there for an update, and I at least owe you that if not a new pair of knuckles.

I've been 23 for over a month now. I will continue to act like I'm four. I continue to stand strong and will not cave in to the pressures of society. (Acting your age is a lesson I learned at four, and I retain it very well.) After spending the last couple of months in America, I feel the only answer to its problems is Anarchy. (Perhaps this will create other problems, but it would definitely solve the existing ones. you're welcome) Pretty soon I'm gonna be headed off to my job at the camp for the special kids. Its tons of fun, and is just another continuation of me not being able to update. I will do my best to update, not because I'm scared of death threats, or because my pants is sore from the kicking, but simply because all my blank posting days means blank memories. Who knows what I've forgotten. (If it was a cure for AIDS again, I'm gonna really do something drastic, mark my words.)

Year of Living Biblically

Read this book. Its called a year of living biblically. I read it a while ago, and am sharing cuz I'm friendly like that. I thought it well written and funny, and I even LOL'd a couple of times. (For those of you who read it I mean things like the out-bible-talking a 'hovas witness anecdote, and the numerous mistakes in interpretation.) The point of the book was that this guy (the author) A.J Jacobs, who isn't frum and has pretty much no clue about religion, is gonna read the entire Tanach and new testament, memorize it and then spend a year living his life in Manhattan, exactly as the bible says. Some of the things he does are funny. He of course lets his beard and peyos grow long because it says not to cut the corners of beard and head. He tries real hard to keep all the mitzvos. He really does. The only problem is that his entire understanding of the bible is based on the english text (he didnt learn hebrew first) and english books of all different religions. As a result of his lack of knowledge (although quite impressive for a secular guy) gets him into all sorts of funny predicaments. Not having much to work with he started off the year with 'fringes' tied to his shirt sleeves and collar. He wrote down the ten commandments on a piece of paper and tied it to his forehead and to his arm. He brought along a folding chair everywhere he went (like subways) to avoid sitting on a chair a lady may have sat on. He lived for seven days in a sukka he built in his living room. When he tried to stone adulterers, he walked around dropping pebbles on peoples shoes. Despite all his tziduki like practices, he still managed to keep a few mitzvos properly. Like shatnez. When he started he wasnt sure how to wear clothes with no mixtures at all, until he managed to get a real shatnez tester to test all his clothes. Or Shiluach Hakan. The Orthodox guy who checked his clothes, helped him out with that. He did things like write parts from his bible on his actual door post, and smear blood on his door post on pesach. Since he was a terrible gardener (his plants didnt last long enough to have leket) he decided any money he would ever drop by accident would be considered shickcha.

All the various mistakes he made got me thinking. First of all, it showed me how little of Tanach I actually had memorized. (like apparently it says in mishlei or somewhere that your clothes should be white, which was his inspiration to wear white robes- which went really well with his flowing beard and hair) It also showed me how much information is in the torah. With the bare minimum (just the english text) this guy had a years worth of work and even then just barely scratched the surface. I couldn't help but imagine what his reaction would be if someone introduced him to the talmud. Besides for the long while it would take him to learn Aramaic, he would have a lifetime of work to complete the whole thing. And thats just the Gemarah. I'm sure his mind would have been completely blown had someone introduced him to the basic Rishonim. (If theres any possible way that he- an obviously very intelligent man- would be able to wrap his mind around a single 'shtickel' from the Achronim, I'd eat my hat, a bucket of glue and a piece of a rubber band.) Had he spent a year with the shulchan aruch I'd be standing up and clapping. (Instead of sitting down and typing. Didn't you ever wonder if I type sitting down or hanging from my knees on a traffic light wire? Well, sometimes. But usually the former.) The amount of knowledge he lacks, made me think about the lack of knowledge we all lack. How many of us have actually finished Shas, or even the Shulchan Aruch? Are we just in a similar predicament, living without really knowing, doomed to try but not actually make it anywhere?

(Paid For By: Doodle for Governor. In honor of shavuos)

I know

Its been a while since I last updated. I know. I'm not dead or hospitalized. I'm not in prison or in a hostile country. I'm not stuck in a perpetual loop in my time altering machine (again). Nor am I quitting. I just havent gotten around to updating. I almost forgot how to type in the long time I havent updated. I remembered only because smart people like me realize after much trial and error that when you push a key on the keyboard a corresponding letter appears on the screen. 'Backspace' does exactly that, and 'space bar'- although it isn't labeled, is only a matter of time until you accidentally bump into it with its long easy to find sized key right next to your thumbs.

Anyway I'm having difficulty and you can help. A while ago I had heard you can make a nice sized explosion using a large quantity of urine, some mouthwash and mint flavored menthos. I tried it in a bazillion different variations, using all sorts of different methods. (special thanks to all those who donated the large quantities of urine) Nothing worked. If you know anything about the piss-bomb please comment with the info. (like how exactly its done, how big an explosion we're talking here. The ratios. If its even possible. If it makes a difference what the urine donaters drank beforehand. If drinking jet fuel has any detrimental affects on peoples health. That sorta thing.) It would make my day, thanks.

This Country

Now that I've been here in America for the last couple of weeks, I've had enough have had time to get over the initial shock. I've recovered enough to be able to interact with other humans, but occasionally I suffer a relapse. Apparently while I was gone the country was falling apart, but now that I'm back I've come to whip things back into shape. (While I'm here, based on the news I hear about Israel the country sounds like it needs me as well. It seems to be coming apart at the seams since my departure) Theres lots of changes to this country that I would suggest. Now since the president pretends he doesn't read my blog as was apparent from his lack of replying in President Bush: this one's for you it seems that we the ordinary citizens (even if you're not so ordinary, and have a wooden leg, a borat mustache and only dress in mustard yellow overalls. Which may be ordinary, except that you eat your food through your ears which is highly uncommon, at least says the surgeon general. Right Sarge?) have to take matters into our own hands. One thing we have to do away with is those automatic phone thingys. When I call a company I expect to reach a person and not have everyone in half mile radius be subjected to "Operator!"
"Okay pay bill, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back'.
"Go back. OPERATOR"
"Ok Mortgages, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back' "
"GO BACK! OPERATOR!"
"Okay aerator.... We don't sell aerators, please hold while we transfer you to the strange and and unusual farm and bathroom implement purchasing department...." STOP!" "Okay, transferring you to an operator. This is what I would classify as torture. In fact the UN would probably condemn the US if they ever tried interrogating prisoners by giving them phones and asking them to try to get hold of customer service. (all the CIA dudes get to snicker behind the one way glass, until the guy ends up trying to strangle himself with the cord or spills the beans) The way I propose we do this is an organized protest. Not the organized protest that is done in Israel. (although Israelis certainly have the right idea, their way simultaneously gets their point across very strongly and enables hours of endless fun. When else can you have high speed motorcycle and horse chases involving molotov cocktails and tear gas?) This protest is more peaceful for those Americans who think violence is no fun. All you gotta do is call a company every day, go through the whole annoyance to get to an operator and when you are finally connected, "Hello this is Jessica how may I help you?"
"PAY BILL"
"Whats that sir?"
"NO! GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Excuse me?"
" Aaaaah I hate these stupid voice activated computers. PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a computer"
"STOP! GO BACK!"
"Sir what can I help you with?"
"PAY BILL!"
"You'd like to pay your bill?"
"GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a machine, I'm a person."
Eventually after companies (your call may be recorded for quality purposes) realize they are losing time on all the phone calls, they will see the error of their ways and do away with the whole machine thing. Thats just one of the many ways we can help improve our quality of life. Feel free to add your own.

Leaving

I'm sitting in the airport, waiting to board. Despite my prolonged stay in the country, (visa people werent too happy. I missed my flight and ended being here for a year straight) I'm on my way out. Heading back to America. Leaving the land of milk and honey for the land of powdered milk and artificial sweetener. I can't say I don't miss it, but I"m gonna miss Israel more. Thats all for now.

Steak and Coke

Sounds yummy doesn't it? I'm not talking about eating it though. More than three months ago I had heard that if you leave a steak soaking in cola the entire steak will dissolve after a short period of time. Of course I had to try it. (thanks reb y) This is a pic of the steak before adding the soda.



This is after 24 hours



This is after 48 hours. Does it look like it shrunk a bit, or is that just me?




After 72 hours.




After about a week, notice the little bits of fat starting to rise to the top.



This is after a couple of months. The fat on that floated to the top congealed and turned into a thick layer of mold.



This is after I peeled off the mold layer. Notice the steak is in two pieces but pretty much all there.



At this time it appears that the steak coke thing does not work. I'm keeping the steak in the coke, at least until I leave. We shall see if it ever dissolves.

Disease and Phone

Although I'm not a Doctor (not even a little around the edges) I'd like to name a new disease. Everyone knows someone affected by this disease, but no one has given it an official title. As long as it doesn't have an official title, nobody can possibly get treatment for it. Therefore I hereby name this disease in the hope that those afflicted can seek immediate medical care. I'm referring to Chronic Forwarding Disorder. Or CFD for short. (Isn't it fun how people insist on telling you the initials, as if you can't spell) This disease affects all sorts of people, who have been exposed to corny emails for too long and feel compelled to forward the entire contents of their inboxes to every address in their address book, daily. No amounts of threats of bodily harm can stop them, and deleting their handiwork seems to encourage them.
Recently one victim of CFD had his disease spread to a new level. He had me on his list, and his numbers started increasing. I was getting a minimum of 25 an hour and each one was worse than the last. (yeah, I opened all of them. Maybe I have Openers Syndrome) Although I pleaded, begged, cajoled, threatened, pleaded again and cried, he still continued his onslaught. Finally, one day when it got to a point where it was my health or his life, I met this guy (who happens to read this blog) in the street and brought him to a dark alley. There I proceeded to "persuade" him to desist his email activities. We ended up compromising: he can only forward me emails that are either funny or important and I'd let him pick up his body parts off the floor to be sewn back on at the hospital. Since that day, (about three days ago)I have only received one email from this apparently cured survivor. The email was one that had been making its rounds to try to discourage people from talking on cellphones while driving. It had very graphic pictures of an accident of someone who they claimed was talking on his phone. There were pics of the car flattened into a little coffin sized box. It also showed the car being pulled apart by medics on the scene, and removing the body from the wreckage. The head was flattened (goatee still intact), inner organs spilling out from above the severed waist. The legs were still connected to each other with some bone that could have been part of a spine or tail bone. It was a very interesting email, so I didn't go seek and destroy the sender of it. (although I have a F-16 standing by, so quiver in your shoes, quiver, you uncontrollable email sender)
After reading this email I was bothered by a few things. Like why all of a sudden were people worried about cell phone usage during driving? I read lots of papers who have been discussing recent studies on this topic. Why have I not received any emails with pictures of someone killed while changing stations on the radio, or giving another driver the finger? I'm sure there are statistics somewhere of people who've died while sneezing and driving. I'm willing to bet its higher than cellphone death. Just think about it. All it takes is one out of control sneeze, and both hands move the wheel sharply in one direction, eyes close, head shoots forward and the foot stomps down on the nearest pedal. Thats an instant disaster. The reason why nobody knows about it is because nobody can know. When they go through the burnt out shell of the car (or crunched car, depending on how it ended) they won't find his used tissue, but they will find the remains of his cellphone and assume that what caused it. Its not like they interview the corpse later and he said "yeah, it was my fault I was on a cell phone, trying to order a pizza but my voice dial wasn't working so I texted my brother-in-law for the number for the pizza place, but he had his phone off during the meeting, so instead I was playing bowling on the phone" Since he's dead he won't be answering any of your questions, even if you shout very loud and shake him around by his shirt collar. The only way to know for sure would be if the car companies installed those black boxes they have in airplanes. Then we can see if the last recorded sound was a sneeze. Thats how studies should be done.

Quick Update

Shabbos was real nice. We hitched around until we ended up in Ashdod.(We started hitching pretty close to shabbos so we didnt have time to get much further.) It was warm, sunny,and came with a beach. When we got there we walked around a bit until we bumped into a frum person, and got ourselves invited to his house for shabbos. Had a great time, and really enjoyed. Thats all for now, my keyboard just ate one of my fingers and I gotta either get a band-aid or smash my space bar with a hammer. (spacebars are dangerous I tellya)

Things you can do with pareve cholent

Well you can do all sorts of things, obviously. Like pour into other peoples shoes, other peoples pants, or even your own shoes or pants.(does not feel as slimy as herring but fun nonetheless) You can even eat it. Pareve cholent is wonderful to eat, simply because even though its cholent, you can still eat milchigs afterwards -its pareve. So if you end up eating it for breakfast you can still have your coffee, and drink it too. The only problem with pareve cholent is that its pareve. Being pareve and lacking meat, causes the cholent to be slightly bland and missing something essential. In order to make it more exciting I've experimented with lots of different ways to enjoy pareve cholent.
A while back I blogged about my cholent pizza recipe, which consisted of cholent and pizza mixed together. (its gotta be done right , or you can really ruin it. Mostly make sure the cholent goes on TOP of the pizza, and you'll be okay.) More recently I tried creating all sorts of various cholent concoctions.Some worked, some didnt. (a vast understatement in the case of the luminol and copper sulfate cholent. I had to get a new pot, a new oven and a new kitchen) One of the worst tasting one was the one with cholent, olives, tomatoes and chocolate pudding. One of the more notable successes was rather tasty. (in other words this chef is recommending) It involves melting copious quantities of cottage cheese into a pareve cholent to give it a thick, wholesome, yet cholenty flavor.Maybe not gonna be in my gourmet edition of Cholent Today, but if I put it in I would definitely give it three maybe four stars. (the four depends on a couple of small details like using fresh cottage cheese, the mixing the cholent evenly, and not accidentally adding shampoo to the whole thing- something that shouldn't happen if you make sure not to keep the ketchup next to the shower)
This shabbos I don't know where I'm gonna end up, but I hope its warm. Our plan is to hitch around all friday until until we get somewhere warmer and sunnier, and we'll spend shabbos there. Thats as far as we planned, and thats quite enough for this year.

The Ani Tapuach Blog!!!

Check it out! The founder of the movement (a close friend) started this official ani tapuach blog. He's planning on putting on lots of cool pics. (I get a honorable mention on it!)If you access it from a cellphone there's even a free ani tapuach wallpaper download on the right side.

President Bush: This Ones For You

Dear Mister President,

We'd like to invite you to our apartment for the duration of your stay in Israel. You're guaranteed to have a great time. Come over, don't be shy. We'll pop open a few beers, play some guitar(we can play country if you like), smoke some hookah and eat garinim(its yummy, dont worry, you'll see). Chill. Have a great time. We don't wanna discuss politics, it would be a great way for you to relax and take a little break. Theres room for you and one other secret service agent to sleep (as we only have two couches) but theres plenty of room to hang. This is a serious invitation and we are not making jokes. I'm sure you would enjoy hanging out with us, and checking out our living quarters. You can use our DSL line if you have any calls you want to make to America, but we hope you'd rather chill than be involved in business. We'd love to take you around the area, show you some good places to eat, and just enjoy life a little as an American in Israel. You can contact me either via email, or my cell. (0546621254 in Israel)Please do not hesitate, our home is open to you.
Waiting for your call
Doodlehead and friends
PS If you have a chance, please pick up two cartons of reds and a bottle of jack from duty free for us. Don't worry we'll pay you back.

Cats

Whoa. As reb y just pointed out its been three weeks since I last updated. Thats crazy. The point of my blog was to be able to remember the days that passed when I read my blog. Now I just lost three weeks of my life and I have no recollection of what transpired. If I would've updated I'd be able to read it and remember.(or at least read it and nod as if I remember)
Because I think the cats in this country are cute, I'm gonna put on a couple of cat pics. If you don't want to look at them you can spend your time looking at more important things like baboons urinating in rosebushes, or watching dandelions lose their puff, although those won't purr and rub against your leg, they can probably keep you occupied for a bit.