Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Disease and Phone

Although I'm not a Doctor (not even a little around the edges) I'd like to name a new disease. Everyone knows someone affected by this disease, but no one has given it an official title. As long as it doesn't have an official title, nobody can possibly get treatment for it. Therefore I hereby name this disease in the hope that those afflicted can seek immediate medical care. I'm referring to Chronic Forwarding Disorder. Or CFD for short. (Isn't it fun how people insist on telling you the initials, as if you can't spell) This disease affects all sorts of people, who have been exposed to corny emails for too long and feel compelled to forward the entire contents of their inboxes to every address in their address book, daily. No amounts of threats of bodily harm can stop them, and deleting their handiwork seems to encourage them.
Recently one victim of CFD had his disease spread to a new level. He had me on his list, and his numbers started increasing. I was getting a minimum of 25 an hour and each one was worse than the last. (yeah, I opened all of them. Maybe I have Openers Syndrome) Although I pleaded, begged, cajoled, threatened, pleaded again and cried, he still continued his onslaught. Finally, one day when it got to a point where it was my health or his life, I met this guy (who happens to read this blog) in the street and brought him to a dark alley. There I proceeded to "persuade" him to desist his email activities. We ended up compromising: he can only forward me emails that are either funny or important and I'd let him pick up his body parts off the floor to be sewn back on at the hospital. Since that day, (about three days ago)I have only received one email from this apparently cured survivor. The email was one that had been making its rounds to try to discourage people from talking on cellphones while driving. It had very graphic pictures of an accident of someone who they claimed was talking on his phone. There were pics of the car flattened into a little coffin sized box. It also showed the car being pulled apart by medics on the scene, and removing the body from the wreckage. The head was flattened (goatee still intact), inner organs spilling out from above the severed waist. The legs were still connected to each other with some bone that could have been part of a spine or tail bone. It was a very interesting email, so I didn't go seek and destroy the sender of it. (although I have a F-16 standing by, so quiver in your shoes, quiver, you uncontrollable email sender)
After reading this email I was bothered by a few things. Like why all of a sudden were people worried about cell phone usage during driving? I read lots of papers who have been discussing recent studies on this topic. Why have I not received any emails with pictures of someone killed while changing stations on the radio, or giving another driver the finger? I'm sure there are statistics somewhere of people who've died while sneezing and driving. I'm willing to bet its higher than cellphone death. Just think about it. All it takes is one out of control sneeze, and both hands move the wheel sharply in one direction, eyes close, head shoots forward and the foot stomps down on the nearest pedal. Thats an instant disaster. The reason why nobody knows about it is because nobody can know. When they go through the burnt out shell of the car (or crunched car, depending on how it ended) they won't find his used tissue, but they will find the remains of his cellphone and assume that what caused it. Its not like they interview the corpse later and he said "yeah, it was my fault I was on a cell phone, trying to order a pizza but my voice dial wasn't working so I texted my brother-in-law for the number for the pizza place, but he had his phone off during the meeting, so instead I was playing bowling on the phone" Since he's dead he won't be answering any of your questions, even if you shout very loud and shake him around by his shirt collar. The only way to know for sure would be if the car companies installed those black boxes they have in airplanes. Then we can see if the last recorded sound was a sneeze. Thats how studies should be done.

7 comments:

frumhouse said...

Great post! Made me chuckle..

doodlehead said...

thanks :)

MAK said...

Heh, I have friends with that "disease", on the other hand I have opner's syndrome as well...

doodlehead said...

are u contemplating anything drastic?

MAK said...

No drastic measures, as this friend lives on the other side of the country. Fortunately, she doesn't get the urge that often.

bro said...

I know lots of people with that disease. i think a good solution would be to just ignore the emails beginning with the letters FWD:

doodlehead said...

can't. i suffer from openers syndrome.