Accomplishments

Over the last many goorits (or even many months) I've been doing lots of traveling. I have drove thousands and thousands of miles, I have flown thousands and thousands more. The world is a huge place. I have accomplished much on my travels. I have put ani tapuach stickers on the backs of live gators in the Florida everglades , and escaped with all my limbs intact. (although in the case of the particularly feisty one, barely)I've acquired some new scars. I now have a warrant out for my arrest in the entire state of Indiana. (they have to catch me first, ha!) I've detonated small amounts of dynamite under piles of compost. I filed a lawsuit against US airways. I survived in middle of nowhere by catching fish with my bare hands. I have met long lost relatives in places I didn't even know that people even live. I have discovered the name of my favorite donut. I caught the flu and took a few days off traveling to eat and sleep. Now its back on the road, time to hit the trail cowboy. Later.

Yeah yeah

I'm aware that I'm supposed to be updating, the problem is that its not like its a simple task. I would love to be able to type my thoughts onto this electronic paperistic thing in front of me and have them appear on my screen. I would love to be able to do so whenever my thoughts pour out of my head in fuzzy fountains like the slurpee machine that got its vat punctured by an errant shot gun blast. Thick sweet frothy and cold, all over the floor. Sorta like the exact opposite of a volcano but just as harmful and serious. Especially if you own the place and just mopped it. Your day would've been hunky dory until this unfortunate incident. Only one or two unruly teens, easily dispatched with a quick cry of "ID, ID, you must shew me iedee okay?" You probably only had your couch and the decision which flavor 6-pack you'd be bringing home on your mind, now your entire existence thrown into total disarray by some punk with a 12 gauge and a grudge. Or perhaps a hunger for some cash and bad aim. Either way the floor will never be quite the same clean as it was this morning. The point is updating only sounds like a simple walk in the park if you havent actually walked a mile in the park. Once you have, you discover the lions and tigers that roam the park after dark. And the muggers, oh yes mustn't forget the muggers. They have rights too, you know.
Anyway, lately I've been traveling the globe and have not been meticulous in my updating schedule. As I continue to travel I see more new sights, and think more new thoughts. I continue to progress with my goal of cartwheeling in every state, country and continent on earth, but its not going as fast as I would like. Thousands of miles have been covered and thousands more to go, "Press on, for today is a new day, live, for that day is but a short one." -Quote from some really famous guy who needed to get some more air in his diet.

Toys

Today they have come up with a new way to teach kids how to text. Some quite intelligent people at Leap Frog obviously decided that kids these days need help texting. I wonder what went on in that boardroom. The guy who first introduced the idea was probably fumbling with his cellphone while his colleague pointing at pie-charts with a pointer, until some kind fellow was like,
"Hey Frank, is everything ok?"
"Yeah Stan, its just that my young kid has not stopped texting me today, besides for not being able to comprehend the SMS Language, I cant seem to figure out how to respond."
"Me neither, these cell phone texting gadgets are beyond me. I don't know how kids do it."
"Hey, that gives me a stompin good idea! Why dont we create something for kids to learn how to text at a really young age?"
This idea was probably considered pretty grand by the rest of the marketing team, although there was definitely that one guy who said something like, "Uh guys, aren't we missing something important here?" But was quickly shut up by one of the more senior members of the company.
This kind of toy just proves something that I've been saying for years about all these wonderful toys for kids they have these days in general. All the advertisements tout things like 'Will teach your kids essential hand-eye coordination', or 'Don't allow your baby to fall behind, during the early stages of motor skill development its imperative that children have the proper toys to play with'. The funny thing is that parents believe what they read, because the printed word sounds so convincing. Despite the fact that kids have been growing up fine for thousands of years without the aid of huge plastic computer-modeled toys with loud noises and flashy lights. All of a sudden comes along this great new toy with all the expert's opinions written all over the box, and every parent is instantly purchasing the newest ADD inducing monstrosity that some smart cookie, (who obviously never suffered with those toys himself as a kid) created for the specific purpose of pushing the company stock higher. The greatest athletes, scientific minds, and squeegee men of the past all got to where they are today without the aid of 'educational' toys. The same parents who buy them, also managed to 'develop' normally when they were kids and somehow don't seem to have any major deficits in any motor skills. This combined with the high ADD ADHD numbers lately, leads me to believe that perhaps old fashioned toys are better suited for children's development.

Memo to President

Dear President Obama,

I'm sure you're as big a fan of this blog as your predecessor President Bush was. During your campaign I heard all about change, change and change. So far you've been president for about a week now, and despite all the promises of change, absolutely NOTHING has been done about this extreme cold weather we are experiencing lately. I look forward to the change you promised. I warmly thank you.
love,
doodle

P.S Now that Guantanamo Bay inmates are slated for release, it is only logical that Jonathan Pollard will be next. Thanks again.

Goorit

Sixty seconds is one minute, sixty minutes is one hour, sixty hours is a...?
Why oh why is there no word for this important number? I have to make one up. What about a Goorit? How often have you wanted to say "Hey, I'll give you a call in a goorit" Or "You wouldn't believe, my plane was delayed for at least two goorits. We sat on the runway until I was arrested for assaulting the pilot. I spent another goorit and a half in jail. But at least not another minute or second in that death trap on the runway"
From now on, instead of saying "Your stuff will be ready in 2.39 days, or 60 hours", you can get off real easy with a "Be back in a goorit". Hows that for saving you time patience and sanity? You're welcome. Feel free to use it whenever you'd like. Its also convenient for people who like to use words that haven't made it to the dictionary until the upcoming year printing. Everyone will respect you at the dinner party when you pull that little gem out of your hat. (although from experience the more real gems you pull out of hats at dinner parties the more respect and seconds on dessert people shower you with) Really.

Back within the grasp of uncle sam

and his tight knuckly fingers(for now). I tried to ignore the airport to make it go away. Everyone knows that if you ignore something eventually it goes away. Without an airport I'd be forcing myself to stay in a country other than the one I type this from. Unfortunately, the common problem with airports is that they are large and noisy and quiet hard to ignore, especially when you are sitting inside it waiting for your flight. Not to mention that the planes are rather hard to miss.

Holy Land

I just landed in Israel. Ukraine was tons of fun. While I was there I toured the country, learned to read and write Russian and was kidnapped and tortured for a few days until I managed to escape- it was awesome. (Thats one of the longer stories, if I write a book, maybe I'll include a chapter )
Sukkos in Israel is always a barrel of fun. The kind of barrel that contains you, two cats, a parakeet and a drunk porcupine. Rolling down a bumpy hill during a tornado. With a dozen eggs in your pocket. Some ketchup on your face. And a smile.