Year of Living Biblically

Read this book. Its called a year of living biblically. I read it a while ago, and am sharing cuz I'm friendly like that. I thought it well written and funny, and I even LOL'd a couple of times. (For those of you who read it I mean things like the out-bible-talking a 'hovas witness anecdote, and the numerous mistakes in interpretation.) The point of the book was that this guy (the author) A.J Jacobs, who isn't frum and has pretty much no clue about religion, is gonna read the entire Tanach and new testament, memorize it and then spend a year living his life in Manhattan, exactly as the bible says. Some of the things he does are funny. He of course lets his beard and peyos grow long because it says not to cut the corners of beard and head. He tries real hard to keep all the mitzvos. He really does. The only problem is that his entire understanding of the bible is based on the english text (he didnt learn hebrew first) and english books of all different religions. As a result of his lack of knowledge (although quite impressive for a secular guy) gets him into all sorts of funny predicaments. Not having much to work with he started off the year with 'fringes' tied to his shirt sleeves and collar. He wrote down the ten commandments on a piece of paper and tied it to his forehead and to his arm. He brought along a folding chair everywhere he went (like subways) to avoid sitting on a chair a lady may have sat on. He lived for seven days in a sukka he built in his living room. When he tried to stone adulterers, he walked around dropping pebbles on peoples shoes. Despite all his tziduki like practices, he still managed to keep a few mitzvos properly. Like shatnez. When he started he wasnt sure how to wear clothes with no mixtures at all, until he managed to get a real shatnez tester to test all his clothes. Or Shiluach Hakan. The Orthodox guy who checked his clothes, helped him out with that. He did things like write parts from his bible on his actual door post, and smear blood on his door post on pesach. Since he was a terrible gardener (his plants didnt last long enough to have leket) he decided any money he would ever drop by accident would be considered shickcha.

All the various mistakes he made got me thinking. First of all, it showed me how little of Tanach I actually had memorized. (like apparently it says in mishlei or somewhere that your clothes should be white, which was his inspiration to wear white robes- which went really well with his flowing beard and hair) It also showed me how much information is in the torah. With the bare minimum (just the english text) this guy had a years worth of work and even then just barely scratched the surface. I couldn't help but imagine what his reaction would be if someone introduced him to the talmud. Besides for the long while it would take him to learn Aramaic, he would have a lifetime of work to complete the whole thing. And thats just the Gemarah. I'm sure his mind would have been completely blown had someone introduced him to the basic Rishonim. (If theres any possible way that he- an obviously very intelligent man- would be able to wrap his mind around a single 'shtickel' from the Achronim, I'd eat my hat, a bucket of glue and a piece of a rubber band.) Had he spent a year with the shulchan aruch I'd be standing up and clapping. (Instead of sitting down and typing. Didn't you ever wonder if I type sitting down or hanging from my knees on a traffic light wire? Well, sometimes. But usually the former.) The amount of knowledge he lacks, made me think about the lack of knowledge we all lack. How many of us have actually finished Shas, or even the Shulchan Aruch? Are we just in a similar predicament, living without really knowing, doomed to try but not actually make it anywhere?

(Paid For By: Doodle for Governor. In honor of shavuos)

I know

Its been a while since I last updated. I know. I'm not dead or hospitalized. I'm not in prison or in a hostile country. I'm not stuck in a perpetual loop in my time altering machine (again). Nor am I quitting. I just havent gotten around to updating. I almost forgot how to type in the long time I havent updated. I remembered only because smart people like me realize after much trial and error that when you push a key on the keyboard a corresponding letter appears on the screen. 'Backspace' does exactly that, and 'space bar'- although it isn't labeled, is only a matter of time until you accidentally bump into it with its long easy to find sized key right next to your thumbs.

Anyway I'm having difficulty and you can help. A while ago I had heard you can make a nice sized explosion using a large quantity of urine, some mouthwash and mint flavored menthos. I tried it in a bazillion different variations, using all sorts of different methods. (special thanks to all those who donated the large quantities of urine) Nothing worked. If you know anything about the piss-bomb please comment with the info. (like how exactly its done, how big an explosion we're talking here. The ratios. If its even possible. If it makes a difference what the urine donaters drank beforehand. If drinking jet fuel has any detrimental affects on peoples health. That sorta thing.) It would make my day, thanks.

This Country

Now that I've been here in America for the last couple of weeks, I've had enough have had time to get over the initial shock. I've recovered enough to be able to interact with other humans, but occasionally I suffer a relapse. Apparently while I was gone the country was falling apart, but now that I'm back I've come to whip things back into shape. (While I'm here, based on the news I hear about Israel the country sounds like it needs me as well. It seems to be coming apart at the seams since my departure) Theres lots of changes to this country that I would suggest. Now since the president pretends he doesn't read my blog as was apparent from his lack of replying in President Bush: this one's for you it seems that we the ordinary citizens (even if you're not so ordinary, and have a wooden leg, a borat mustache and only dress in mustard yellow overalls. Which may be ordinary, except that you eat your food through your ears which is highly uncommon, at least says the surgeon general. Right Sarge?) have to take matters into our own hands. One thing we have to do away with is those automatic phone thingys. When I call a company I expect to reach a person and not have everyone in half mile radius be subjected to "Operator!"
"Okay pay bill, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back'.
"Go back. OPERATOR"
"Ok Mortgages, one moment we are transferring your call, if thats not what you wanted say 'go back' "
"GO BACK! OPERATOR!"
"Okay aerator.... We don't sell aerators, please hold while we transfer you to the strange and and unusual farm and bathroom implement purchasing department...." STOP!" "Okay, transferring you to an operator. This is what I would classify as torture. In fact the UN would probably condemn the US if they ever tried interrogating prisoners by giving them phones and asking them to try to get hold of customer service. (all the CIA dudes get to snicker behind the one way glass, until the guy ends up trying to strangle himself with the cord or spills the beans) The way I propose we do this is an organized protest. Not the organized protest that is done in Israel. (although Israelis certainly have the right idea, their way simultaneously gets their point across very strongly and enables hours of endless fun. When else can you have high speed motorcycle and horse chases involving molotov cocktails and tear gas?) This protest is more peaceful for those Americans who think violence is no fun. All you gotta do is call a company every day, go through the whole annoyance to get to an operator and when you are finally connected, "Hello this is Jessica how may I help you?"
"PAY BILL"
"Whats that sir?"
"NO! GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Excuse me?"
" Aaaaah I hate these stupid voice activated computers. PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a computer"
"STOP! GO BACK!"
"Sir what can I help you with?"
"PAY BILL!"
"You'd like to pay your bill?"
"GO BACK! PAY BILL!"
"Sir, I'm not a machine, I'm a person."
Eventually after companies (your call may be recorded for quality purposes) realize they are losing time on all the phone calls, they will see the error of their ways and do away with the whole machine thing. Thats just one of the many ways we can help improve our quality of life. Feel free to add your own.

Leaving

I'm sitting in the airport, waiting to board. Despite my prolonged stay in the country, (visa people werent too happy. I missed my flight and ended being here for a year straight) I'm on my way out. Heading back to America. Leaving the land of milk and honey for the land of powdered milk and artificial sweetener. I can't say I don't miss it, but I"m gonna miss Israel more. Thats all for now.

Steak and Coke

Sounds yummy doesn't it? I'm not talking about eating it though. More than three months ago I had heard that if you leave a steak soaking in cola the entire steak will dissolve after a short period of time. Of course I had to try it. (thanks reb y) This is a pic of the steak before adding the soda.



This is after 24 hours



This is after 48 hours. Does it look like it shrunk a bit, or is that just me?




After 72 hours.




After about a week, notice the little bits of fat starting to rise to the top.



This is after a couple of months. The fat on that floated to the top congealed and turned into a thick layer of mold.



This is after I peeled off the mold layer. Notice the steak is in two pieces but pretty much all there.



At this time it appears that the steak coke thing does not work. I'm keeping the steak in the coke, at least until I leave. We shall see if it ever dissolves.

Disease and Phone

Although I'm not a Doctor (not even a little around the edges) I'd like to name a new disease. Everyone knows someone affected by this disease, but no one has given it an official title. As long as it doesn't have an official title, nobody can possibly get treatment for it. Therefore I hereby name this disease in the hope that those afflicted can seek immediate medical care. I'm referring to Chronic Forwarding Disorder. Or CFD for short. (Isn't it fun how people insist on telling you the initials, as if you can't spell) This disease affects all sorts of people, who have been exposed to corny emails for too long and feel compelled to forward the entire contents of their inboxes to every address in their address book, daily. No amounts of threats of bodily harm can stop them, and deleting their handiwork seems to encourage them.
Recently one victim of CFD had his disease spread to a new level. He had me on his list, and his numbers started increasing. I was getting a minimum of 25 an hour and each one was worse than the last. (yeah, I opened all of them. Maybe I have Openers Syndrome) Although I pleaded, begged, cajoled, threatened, pleaded again and cried, he still continued his onslaught. Finally, one day when it got to a point where it was my health or his life, I met this guy (who happens to read this blog) in the street and brought him to a dark alley. There I proceeded to "persuade" him to desist his email activities. We ended up compromising: he can only forward me emails that are either funny or important and I'd let him pick up his body parts off the floor to be sewn back on at the hospital. Since that day, (about three days ago)I have only received one email from this apparently cured survivor. The email was one that had been making its rounds to try to discourage people from talking on cellphones while driving. It had very graphic pictures of an accident of someone who they claimed was talking on his phone. There were pics of the car flattened into a little coffin sized box. It also showed the car being pulled apart by medics on the scene, and removing the body from the wreckage. The head was flattened (goatee still intact), inner organs spilling out from above the severed waist. The legs were still connected to each other with some bone that could have been part of a spine or tail bone. It was a very interesting email, so I didn't go seek and destroy the sender of it. (although I have a F-16 standing by, so quiver in your shoes, quiver, you uncontrollable email sender)
After reading this email I was bothered by a few things. Like why all of a sudden were people worried about cell phone usage during driving? I read lots of papers who have been discussing recent studies on this topic. Why have I not received any emails with pictures of someone killed while changing stations on the radio, or giving another driver the finger? I'm sure there are statistics somewhere of people who've died while sneezing and driving. I'm willing to bet its higher than cellphone death. Just think about it. All it takes is one out of control sneeze, and both hands move the wheel sharply in one direction, eyes close, head shoots forward and the foot stomps down on the nearest pedal. Thats an instant disaster. The reason why nobody knows about it is because nobody can know. When they go through the burnt out shell of the car (or crunched car, depending on how it ended) they won't find his used tissue, but they will find the remains of his cellphone and assume that what caused it. Its not like they interview the corpse later and he said "yeah, it was my fault I was on a cell phone, trying to order a pizza but my voice dial wasn't working so I texted my brother-in-law for the number for the pizza place, but he had his phone off during the meeting, so instead I was playing bowling on the phone" Since he's dead he won't be answering any of your questions, even if you shout very loud and shake him around by his shirt collar. The only way to know for sure would be if the car companies installed those black boxes they have in airplanes. Then we can see if the last recorded sound was a sneeze. Thats how studies should be done.

Quick Update

Shabbos was real nice. We hitched around until we ended up in Ashdod.(We started hitching pretty close to shabbos so we didnt have time to get much further.) It was warm, sunny,and came with a beach. When we got there we walked around a bit until we bumped into a frum person, and got ourselves invited to his house for shabbos. Had a great time, and really enjoyed. Thats all for now, my keyboard just ate one of my fingers and I gotta either get a band-aid or smash my space bar with a hammer. (spacebars are dangerous I tellya)