Toys

Today they have come up with a new way to teach kids how to text. Some quite intelligent people at Leap Frog obviously decided that kids these days need help texting. I wonder what went on in that boardroom. The guy who first introduced the idea was probably fumbling with his cellphone while his colleague pointing at pie-charts with a pointer, until some kind fellow was like,
"Hey Frank, is everything ok?"
"Yeah Stan, its just that my young kid has not stopped texting me today, besides for not being able to comprehend the SMS Language, I cant seem to figure out how to respond."
"Me neither, these cell phone texting gadgets are beyond me. I don't know how kids do it."
"Hey, that gives me a stompin good idea! Why dont we create something for kids to learn how to text at a really young age?"
This idea was probably considered pretty grand by the rest of the marketing team, although there was definitely that one guy who said something like, "Uh guys, aren't we missing something important here?" But was quickly shut up by one of the more senior members of the company.
This kind of toy just proves something that I've been saying for years about all these wonderful toys for kids they have these days in general. All the advertisements tout things like 'Will teach your kids essential hand-eye coordination', or 'Don't allow your baby to fall behind, during the early stages of motor skill development its imperative that children have the proper toys to play with'. The funny thing is that parents believe what they read, because the printed word sounds so convincing. Despite the fact that kids have been growing up fine for thousands of years without the aid of huge plastic computer-modeled toys with loud noises and flashy lights. All of a sudden comes along this great new toy with all the expert's opinions written all over the box, and every parent is instantly purchasing the newest ADD inducing monstrosity that some smart cookie, (who obviously never suffered with those toys himself as a kid) created for the specific purpose of pushing the company stock higher. The greatest athletes, scientific minds, and squeegee men of the past all got to where they are today without the aid of 'educational' toys. The same parents who buy them, also managed to 'develop' normally when they were kids and somehow don't seem to have any major deficits in any motor skills. This combined with the high ADD ADHD numbers lately, leads me to believe that perhaps old fashioned toys are better suited for children's development.

Memo to President

Dear President Obama,

I'm sure you're as big a fan of this blog as your predecessor President Bush was. During your campaign I heard all about change, change and change. So far you've been president for about a week now, and despite all the promises of change, absolutely NOTHING has been done about this extreme cold weather we are experiencing lately. I look forward to the change you promised. I warmly thank you.
love,
doodle

P.S Now that Guantanamo Bay inmates are slated for release, it is only logical that Jonathan Pollard will be next. Thanks again.

Goorit

Sixty seconds is one minute, sixty minutes is one hour, sixty hours is a...?
Why oh why is there no word for this important number? I have to make one up. What about a Goorit? How often have you wanted to say "Hey, I'll give you a call in a goorit" Or "You wouldn't believe, my plane was delayed for at least two goorits. We sat on the runway until I was arrested for assaulting the pilot. I spent another goorit and a half in jail. But at least not another minute or second in that death trap on the runway"
From now on, instead of saying "Your stuff will be ready in 2.39 days, or 60 hours", you can get off real easy with a "Be back in a goorit". Hows that for saving you time patience and sanity? You're welcome. Feel free to use it whenever you'd like. Its also convenient for people who like to use words that haven't made it to the dictionary until the upcoming year printing. Everyone will respect you at the dinner party when you pull that little gem out of your hat. (although from experience the more real gems you pull out of hats at dinner parties the more respect and seconds on dessert people shower you with) Really.

Back within the grasp of uncle sam

and his tight knuckly fingers(for now). I tried to ignore the airport to make it go away. Everyone knows that if you ignore something eventually it goes away. Without an airport I'd be forcing myself to stay in a country other than the one I type this from. Unfortunately, the common problem with airports is that they are large and noisy and quiet hard to ignore, especially when you are sitting inside it waiting for your flight. Not to mention that the planes are rather hard to miss.

Holy Land

I just landed in Israel. Ukraine was tons of fun. While I was there I toured the country, learned to read and write Russian and was kidnapped and tortured for a few days until I managed to escape- it was awesome. (Thats one of the longer stories, if I write a book, maybe I'll include a chapter )
Sukkos in Israel is always a barrel of fun. The kind of barrel that contains you, two cats, a parakeet and a drunk porcupine. Rolling down a bumpy hill during a tornado. With a dozen eggs in your pocket. Some ketchup on your face. And a smile.

Ukraine

I'm in Ukraine right now. For no reason. A friend of mine was like "Dude, lets go to Ukraine!" And I was like "Ok." So we bought tickets and two hours later grabbed a backpack and hopped on to a plane. (and then we hopped off. It was the wrong plane. Then we hopped on the right plane. But with the other foot. Hopping that much is real painful. Especially up and down stairs. And escalators. And over baby carriages that you were 100% sure were empty, until the mother angrily threatens to remove your head. And shes not kidding.) I'm probably gonna be here for a week or so. But who knows. Planning is for the kind of elderly people who don't like skateboarders and are very vocal about it. So far I've been here for a day. (Yom kippur in Ukraine should be a change from last year, when I spent it in a desert.) To those of you trying to contact me my Ukranian cell phone number is (If dialing from USA first dial 011 380) 63 240 7950. (If you're werent trying to contact me those numbers are the combination on a top secret swiss vault that contains a delicious carrot blueberry pie. Shelf life approximately a month. Find it and feast, or be doomed to live a life with the fact that you blew a chance to open the safe before it spoiled.) Thats all for now. Nazdiravyeh.

Gotta run but..

Now that the summer is over, and I actually have a few seconds to breath, (blue? me? Oh I thought that was a tan) I can pause the breathing for a second to update. Camp was a blast. Not because of mini sticks of dynamite being placed in all sorts of strategic locations,(although they certainly helped)but just cuz. I wish I can remember all that transpired in the last month, but alas I was occupied with having the fun and had no time to record it for posterity. I only remember the one time I overdosed on wasabi, (I'm talking more than a pint. Way more) simply because I wasn't having as much fun as I was having the rest of the summer. (The eating part was fun, I mean the effects- shivering and sweating simultaneously for an hour, while intestines and stomach sizzle and smoke.) One of my important accomplishments,that I'm very proud of, which took me over the whole summer to finish, was my successful completion of a Big Bruiser 4.2 oz jawbreaker. Besides for that the rest is a big happy blur of dynamite, sun, water and life. (hi reb y!! 'tishim vitaisha bakbukai bira al hakir, tishim vtaisha bakbukim, echad nafal chaval al hakahal, tishim vshmone bakbukai beera al hakir')