Memo to President

Dear President Obama,

I'm sure you're as big a fan of this blog as your predecessor President Bush was. During your campaign I heard all about change, change and change. So far you've been president for about a week now, and despite all the promises of change, absolutely NOTHING has been done about this extreme cold weather we are experiencing lately. I look forward to the change you promised. I warmly thank you.
love,
doodle

P.S Now that Guantanamo Bay inmates are slated for release, it is only logical that Jonathan Pollard will be next. Thanks again.

Goorit

Sixty seconds is one minute, sixty minutes is one hour, sixty hours is a...?
Why oh why is there no word for this important number? I have to make one up. What about a Goorit? How often have you wanted to say "Hey, I'll give you a call in a goorit" Or "You wouldn't believe, my plane was delayed for at least two goorits. We sat on the runway until I was arrested for assaulting the pilot. I spent another goorit and a half in jail. But at least not another minute or second in that death trap on the runway"
From now on, instead of saying "Your stuff will be ready in 2.39 days, or 60 hours", you can get off real easy with a "Be back in a goorit". Hows that for saving you time patience and sanity? You're welcome. Feel free to use it whenever you'd like. Its also convenient for people who like to use words that haven't made it to the dictionary until the upcoming year printing. Everyone will respect you at the dinner party when you pull that little gem out of your hat. (although from experience the more real gems you pull out of hats at dinner parties the more respect and seconds on dessert people shower you with) Really.

Back within the grasp of uncle sam

and his tight knuckly fingers(for now). I tried to ignore the airport to make it go away. Everyone knows that if you ignore something eventually it goes away. Without an airport I'd be forcing myself to stay in a country other than the one I type this from. Unfortunately, the common problem with airports is that they are large and noisy and quiet hard to ignore, especially when you are sitting inside it waiting for your flight. Not to mention that the planes are rather hard to miss.

Holy Land

I just landed in Israel. Ukraine was tons of fun. While I was there I toured the country, learned to read and write Russian and was kidnapped and tortured for a few days until I managed to escape- it was awesome. (Thats one of the longer stories, if I write a book, maybe I'll include a chapter )
Sukkos in Israel is always a barrel of fun. The kind of barrel that contains you, two cats, a parakeet and a drunk porcupine. Rolling down a bumpy hill during a tornado. With a dozen eggs in your pocket. Some ketchup on your face. And a smile.

Ukraine

I'm in Ukraine right now. For no reason. A friend of mine was like "Dude, lets go to Ukraine!" And I was like "Ok." So we bought tickets and two hours later grabbed a backpack and hopped on to a plane. (and then we hopped off. It was the wrong plane. Then we hopped on the right plane. But with the other foot. Hopping that much is real painful. Especially up and down stairs. And escalators. And over baby carriages that you were 100% sure were empty, until the mother angrily threatens to remove your head. And shes not kidding.) I'm probably gonna be here for a week or so. But who knows. Planning is for the kind of elderly people who don't like skateboarders and are very vocal about it. So far I've been here for a day. (Yom kippur in Ukraine should be a change from last year, when I spent it in a desert.) To those of you trying to contact me my Ukranian cell phone number is (If dialing from USA first dial 011 380) 63 240 7950. (If you're werent trying to contact me those numbers are the combination on a top secret swiss vault that contains a delicious carrot blueberry pie. Shelf life approximately a month. Find it and feast, or be doomed to live a life with the fact that you blew a chance to open the safe before it spoiled.) Thats all for now. Nazdiravyeh.

Gotta run but..

Now that the summer is over, and I actually have a few seconds to breath, (blue? me? Oh I thought that was a tan) I can pause the breathing for a second to update. Camp was a blast. Not because of mini sticks of dynamite being placed in all sorts of strategic locations,(although they certainly helped)but just cuz. I wish I can remember all that transpired in the last month, but alas I was occupied with having the fun and had no time to record it for posterity. I only remember the one time I overdosed on wasabi, (I'm talking more than a pint. Way more) simply because I wasn't having as much fun as I was having the rest of the summer. (The eating part was fun, I mean the effects- shivering and sweating simultaneously for an hour, while intestines and stomach sizzle and smoke.) One of my important accomplishments,that I'm very proud of, which took me over the whole summer to finish, was my successful completion of a Big Bruiser 4.2 oz jawbreaker. Besides for that the rest is a big happy blur of dynamite, sun, water and life. (hi reb y!! 'tishim vitaisha bakbukai bira al hakir, tishim vtaisha bakbukim, echad nafal chaval al hakahal, tishim vshmone bakbukai beera al hakir')

Savlanut

I'm aware that I haven't updated in a while. Unfortunately I haven't been able to post as often as I would like. Not because I don't want to, or because I don't have things to share, but simply because G-d controls the world and I am merely a puppet who bounces around doing the bidding of the Lord while being completely not in control of my destiny or blog updates. Things, usually very odd things, happen to me very often and although these bizarre occurrences make interesting stories and their tellings are sure to brighten up any boring dinner party -they don't allow me much time to type up my memoirs. (you try typing while the earmuffs you are wearing are being chewed on by a yak, or your computer succumbs to the horrible pressure at the bottom of the ocean floor- with no computer tech dude on the entire submarine.) This post is the official savlanut reminder. Dedicated to all the death threats and kicks in the pants that I have been receiving lately. You have all been hanging in there for an update, and I at least owe you that if not a new pair of knuckles.

I've been 23 for over a month now. I will continue to act like I'm four. I continue to stand strong and will not cave in to the pressures of society. (Acting your age is a lesson I learned at four, and I retain it very well.) After spending the last couple of months in America, I feel the only answer to its problems is Anarchy. (Perhaps this will create other problems, but it would definitely solve the existing ones. you're welcome) Pretty soon I'm gonna be headed off to my job at the camp for the special kids. Its tons of fun, and is just another continuation of me not being able to update. I will do my best to update, not because I'm scared of death threats, or because my pants is sore from the kicking, but simply because all my blank posting days means blank memories. Who knows what I've forgotten. (If it was a cure for AIDS again, I'm gonna really do something drastic, mark my words.)